*TO:* ALL DEPENDANTS & RELATIVES
*DATE*: SEPT 01, 2016
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN/COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION:
Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted:
1. The kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself, the Honorable Mum of the House, upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed further!
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justification backed by a qualified dietician’s report as supportive documentation.
4. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
5. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
6. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempting to offer food, drinks or even music.
Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
7. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the House.
8. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
9. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their village head or church priest, giving convincing reasons why they can’t stay at their homes.
Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away at the gate, upon arrival.
*THESE RULES, EFFECTIVE WITHOUT DELAY, ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!*
Chairman of Home Affairs