by Jioke Obinna
One of the most problematic observations about gay lifestyle I’d come into in recent times is the idea of viewing topping and bottoming beyond what they really are — sex roles! I’ve witnessed countless scenarios where gay people (including older, college-educated ones) ascribe gender-like qualities to mere sex roles.
It is truly a unique form of dullness to think of topping and bottoming as anything beyond simple sexual roles and preferences. Nobody is born a top or a bottom, so the context of saying “I am a top or I am a bottom” is very wrong. No, you are not either of these things. And you can’t really be. You are a man – always remember that!
Some people may feel strongly “wired” to mostly top or mostly bottom, while others are more fluid (versatile). But it’s not genetic or predetermined — it’s about individual preferences. Though these preferences are often shaped by subcultural norms and stereotypes, it’s not something anyone is born locked into.
Each time someone says, “I am a top or I am a bottom”, it creates the idea that each has distinctive qualities or biological features that differentiate it from the other. But we all know this can’t be true, as anyone can top or bottom — it just boils down to choice or preference.
It is safe to note that there are gays who have a harder time with bottoming or topping, or medically couldn’t easily do one or the other (severe haemorrhoids or IBS can prevent someone from bottoming, for instance, and another person may stick to bottoming because of erectile dysfunction), but that does not make them a top or bottom. Nobody is a sex role in the same intrinsic way someone can be male or female, or gay or straight!
Gender and sex orientation (sexuality) are who you are, while sex roles, on the other hand, are actions (or performances) that can change anytime.
In the African city where I grew up, to avoid being outed and prosecuted, gays operated in small underground circles, something similar to houses in 80s and 90s New York. In my circle, we said/asked, “What role does he play?” and never “Is he a top or bottom?” You would get responses like – “He plays top” or “He mostly plays bottom but is also good at topping”. In online conversations, we typed: “What’s your role?” instead of “Are you top or bottom?”
We saw topping and bottoming as simply roles that could change anytime. We also understood that attraction is to a person, not to a function, service or performance. Or an organ or appendage. Someone who plays bottom can fall in love with another person who also plays bottom, and they still have great sex. People did not have to defend “being top” or ” being bottom “, or change the way they act, or their style or taste, to fit into a role.
The intricacies of language have power and shouldn’t be belittled. Compare these two statements:
- I used to be a top but now a bottom.
- I used to play top but now I enjoy playing bottom.
The first sentence implies a loss or change of self, while the second clearly communicates that it was an activity that changed.
Why gay men bottom – Hey, Mr Prostate!
It is a severe case of delulu to see yourself, a man, who enjoys having your prostate stimulated, somehow believe that another man, who’s got their prostate in the same region, will not want the same. Even straight men enjoy having their prostate stimulated, and many are already getting into being pegged and dildo play.
Greater understanding of male sexual biology through education can help dismantle the systemic stigma and shame often associated with bottoming. There is no need to hide or lie about it. Or get paranoid that the bottoming you do in secret might come out one day. Also, we will have fewer men taking a weird level of absolute passivity than they originally would during a sexual activity (with a fellow man) because their community has conditioned them to see themselves as “bottoms” over being male. Some of your macho DL tops probably bottom more than you anyway! You can read that again.
I have never bottomed. I don’t enjoy it. The Almighty Lie.
I have never bottomed, said a gay man who bottomed two weeks ago. I don’t really enjoy bottoming, said another who’s just spent two long hours douching in preparation for a hookup date.
The big problem here is that every time someone denies having bottomed or lies about ever finding anything about it enjoyable, it creates a somewhat negative association with the act of bottoming, consequently elevating topping to a higher standard of acceptance. This creates a lot of issues, one of the major being feeding bottom shaming. Another issue is that the constant association of bottoming as a negative thing creates the idea of experiencing bottoming as a loss of self for some prejudiced individuals, rather than empowerment.
These days, we have many people who bottom all the time but can’t stand the sight of another gay person bottoming. Stereotypes about masculinity and femininity pressure people into identifying as tops, even if their natural preference is different. Individuals like this will never admit they’d ever bottomed.
And, NO, avoiding bottoming due to fear of stigma doesn’t make you a top either. You are just someone on the receiving end of a sad situation that is continually fostering your anxiety and dissociation during sex. And so also are “tops” who use dildoes but will never allow a real human to top them.
Another reason to pay particular attention to people strongly prejudiced against bottoming is that there are actually individuals with a form of dissociative amnesia or some other psychological disorder(s) that probably stemmed from a past traumatic event with bottoming who get their brain to constantly discard any memory of them bottoming or somehow alter it whenever they do it. They bottom all the time, but never believe that was them or convince themselves that what they’d done isn’t enough to be called bottoming, and so are still tops.
Sex is not a performance for others!
In many queer communities, sex can inadvertently become performative due to intersecting pressures like internalised homophobia, toxic masculinity, and heteronormative ideals. Some gay men feel compelled to “perform” dominance or stoicism (e.g., always topping to appear “masculine”) because society equates receptivity or vulnerability with weakness. This happens because of the extra stress minorities deal with. Ideas about what it means to be ‘manly’ or the constant thinking of what others may or may not like often shape how gay men deal with intimacy, and this can lead to increased anxiety and other mental health struggles.
Some gay men are no longer attracted to a person but to a “performance of masculinity” embodied by them. The bigger issue here is that this situation objectifies sexual partners and turns sex into a scripted role-play rather than an organic exchange.
Media and porn make this worse by constantly showing roles in two extremes—hyper-masculine tops and very submissive bottoms—which creates unfair rankings that put down other ways of expressing sexuality.
Individuals and behaviours to pay attention to:
If you notice any of these behaviours in yourself, don’t be hard on yourself—see it as a chance to learn and grow.
a. Gay men who are constantly looking for an imaginary Alpha male or macho DL knight they want to bottom for. They shame anyone honest or open about bottoming and will never allow anyone they have topped (or anyone they discover has bottomed) to top them.
b. Those that hold on too strongly to the claim of being a TOP. They aggressively defend being just a top and never liking anything about bottoming, while their prostate winks at them underneath.
c. In extreme conditions, some gay men exhibit a unique form of toxic behaviour called “test-topping” or “conquer topping” or perform “hole checks” similar to the widely-condemned virginity tests done in some cultures to see if their dates will or have bottomed before to decide if or not to play bottom for them.
This is why truth is very important, because what happens in these scenarios is that the best performer will win. Gay men can squeeze their holes to give the idea of “tightness”, while some will go into a dramatic performance of pain to correspond to the lie of having never bottomed. In the end, two Oscar-winning actors would have had scripted sex with neither being true to themselves.
d. Last but not least, bottom-playing gay men who sort of gatekeep bottoming and feel angry when they see or hear that their “tops” bottomed. They aggressively shame any guy they have known (or imagined) to be a “top” when they see or hear of them bottoming.
They often forget they are men too themselves while expecting absolute masculine behaviour (or show of it) from their sexual partners.
***
Opinions expressed in articles like this are solely the writer’s. Find out how you can write for us.
