by Kate
I know all families have secrets, which sometimes could be a source of strength to the family bond, but in my case, things are different.
My father had always been a violent person, especially towards my mother.
On the outside, he is highly educated with one of the top jobs in the country.
My mother is also highly educated with another top job. They belong to the higher echelons of the civil services of India, the most prestigious set of jobs in the country. So I guess, they are what you call a “power couple”.
But only we, as a family know, the tortures my father has inflicted on my mom and the sick mentality that he has.
I am 25 now and I cannot begin to explain how seeing so much abuse in my childhood has affected my personality.
On the outside, I seem pretty affable and with a very jovial personality.
But on the inside, low self esteem and constant doubt has eaten me up. I feel like I have nothing to give to the world. I am constantly seeking my father’s validation lest I make him unhappy and he gets angry with my mom.
I have thought about ending my life on several occasions and even attempted once when I was 13 and till date, he absolutely refuses to accept it was his fault.
He blames it all on mom.
I have completely lost faith in the institution of marriage. I hate my father so much that looking at him gets me peeved. I am only staying with him because my mother refuses to live with a ‘divorced’ tag.
I am currently preparing for some exams so I’m still financially dependent on them and thus still have to see all this shit everyday.
But it really hasn’t been easy!
The point I am trying to make is that – people should stop having kids with people they are not compatible with.
Parents should stop being selfish. Do not ruin new lives for your own happiness.
My parents have provided me with all the material pleasures I need but I get no sense of comfort from my father regarding any emotional aspect.
Because of a lack of emotional comfort at home, I looked for it in a boyfriend who also physically and verbally abused me.
It was then that I realized how my past has affected me – I was just like my mother. I ignored all the signs and refused to leave a man who was clearly abusive to me.
He eventually left me so that’s an old story. But I am such a damaged personality now.
There is a lot of power that comes with the position that my parents are in and my father always thought that he’ll circumvent the system if my mother ever tried to report his domestic abuse.
I have seen how immense power can corrupt one and therefore, I hate it. I hate power and have seen the negatives of it.
Living in constant fear and doubt is what you will provide with your child in a broken, vitriolic, violent household.
Either take a divorce or do not have kids at all, but in all cases please never bring in kids into a violent household.
I know daughters usually dream of a man just like their father, but in my case I want one not even remotely similar to mine.
