Want to Date Black Gay Men Without Fetishising Them? Here’s How

On dating apps, at parties, and inside queer community spaces, Black gay men frequently encounter racialised fetishisation—the experience of being approached through stereotypes rather than being met as a full person with unique complexities.

While this may feel like an individual annoyance, it ties to a deeper, systemic issue. Research confirms that sexual racism—which includes racial exclusion, racialised “preferences,” and fetishising messages—is a dominant feature of digital dating culture.

In a U.S. survey of 548 young sexual minority Black men (18–29), 99.8% reported experiencing at least one form of racialised sexual discrimination while seeking partners online (Wade & Pear, 2022)⁶. Furthermore, academic studies indicate that men of colour are significantly more likely to experience objectification and “sexualized stereotyping” than their white counterparts (Callander et al., 2016)¹.

If you have felt exhausted, guarded, or reduced by these interactions, the data support your reality: you are not imagining it.

This guide offers a counter-strategy: intellectual intimacy. This is the practice of building connection through ideas, humour, curiosity, and values. It is not about elitism or IQ; it is about demanding to be treated as a whole human with a mind, a history, and a point of view.

Intellectual intimacy is a profound mental connection formed through sharing thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It involves safe exploration, mutual learning, stimulating conversation, and feeling mentally seen and challenged, promoting personal growth and relationship satisfaction that extends beyond surface-level talk or casual sex.

What You Will Learn

• The Data: Concrete statistics on racialised sexual discrimination.
• The Signs: How to distinguish healthy attraction from fetishisation.
• The Strategy: How to use “intellectual intimacy” to filter matches.
• The Tools: Copy-paste scripts and profile examples to set boundaries.

The Reality of Racialised Fetishisation

The “Preference” Myth:

While many users defend racial exclusions as “preferences,” studies show these preferences align strictly with societal racial hierarchies. White men are statistically the most “preferred” group in Western dating markets, while Black and Asian men receive significantly fewer responses per message sent (Stacey & Forbes, 2022)⁴.

Mental Health Impact:

Research indicates a direct link between RSD and psychological distress. Black men who frequently experience objectification or rejection based on race report higher levels of depressive symptoms and lower self-esteem (Wade & Harper, 2020)⁵.

What Racialised Fetishisation Looks Like

Racialized fetishization occurs when race becomes the primary “hook” of desire. It turns a person into a category, a fantasy, or a stereotype. Scholars describe this as a mechanism where erotic desire reproduces existing power structures and histories of colonialism and white supremacy (Han, 2021)².

Common manifestations include:

• Collecting Language: “I’ve always wanted to try a Black guy.”
• Role Stereotyping: “You’re Black, so you must be dominant/a top/aggressive.”
• Food/Commodity Metaphors: “Chocolate,” “BBC,” or “I want a taste of that flavour.”
• Exclusionary Racism: Profiles stating “No Blacks” or “Not into Black guys.”
• Backhanded ‘Compliments’: “You’re very articulate/cute for a Black guy.”

Intra-community/same-race fetishisation

Racialised fetishisation does not only come from non-Black men. Black men also objectify each other.

This can look like:

• Hood fetishism:
  • Seeking only hyper-masculine partners (“trade,” “thugs”, “I’m only into hood niggas”)
• Colour-based fetishisation:
  • Darker skin=dominant = top; lighter skin=soft=bottom)
• The “Straight” Chase:
  • Erotic fixation on Black men who identify as “DL” (Down Low) or straight, prioritising their performance of “toughness” or “straightness” over their full humanity.
• Policing/gatekeeping:
  • Losing sexual interest in a Black man once he reveals he is educated, corporate, or articulate, because it breaks the “thug” fantasy. (e.g., “Bro was talking White, so I lost interest”)

These dynamics, while discomforting, are often a consequence of internalised racism—when Black people unconsciously assimilate negative stereotypes, beliefs, and attitudes about Black people and Blackness that are perpetuated by the dominant white supremacist society. Internalised racism is linked to poor mental health in Black people (Sanders et al., 2024)³.

In cases like this, intellectual intimacy can act as a tool for community repair—choosing to know the whole individual over scripts based on body, role, or masculinity.

So how can one distinguish normal attraction from a racialised script within the community?

The “Attraction vs. Fetishisation” Test

How do you tell the difference between genuine interest and a fetish?

Genuine Attraction	Fetishisation
Asks questions to learn who you are.	Assumes traits based on your race.
Respects your boundaries.	Dismisses boundaries (“Relax, it’s a compliment”).
Sees your body as part of you.	Sees your body as the only value.
Allows for softness and human complexity.	Expects hyper-masculinity or dominance.

The Solution: Centring Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is the comfort of sharing your inner world—your opinions, curiosity, humour, values, and stories—and being received with respect. It is the antidote to objectification because it forces the other person to engage with your humanity, not just your physiology.

Unlike physical or sexual intimacy, which focuses on touch and biological attraction, intellectual intimacy prioritises a “meeting of the minds” through curiosity, mutual respect, and the sharing of ideas, opinions, and life perspectives. High intellectual intimacy does not require agreement in all aspects; instead, it fosters a safe space to discuss differing views without fear of judgment or ridicule.

It looks like:

• Mutual Curiosity: “Tell me how you see this situation.”
• Playful Debate: Disagreeing without humiliation or aggression.
• Broad Topics: Discussing goals, culture, art, faith, work, and family.
• Safety: Being able to say “no” without fear of punishment.

It is NOT:

• Turning a date into an academic exam.
• Using complex vocabulary to perform status.
• Only valuing people with university degrees.

Red Flags vs. Green Flags in Early Messaging

Category	✅ Green Flags (Proceed)	🚩 Red Flags (Pause/Block)
Initial Contact	Specific Engagement: Mentions a detail from your bio (e.g., a hobby, a photo location).	Race-First Openers: Starts immediately with race (e.g., “Into White subs,” “BBC?”, “I’ve never been with…”).
Compliments	Assumptive: Instant sexual expectations or assumptions of dominance (e.g., “I know you can handle me,” implying racialised endurance).	Stereotyped: Backhanded compliments or racial scripts (e.g., “You’re articulate for a…”, “I love chocolate”).
Pacing & Consent	Respectful: Checks in on your comfort and intent (e.g., “What are you looking for right now?”).	Assumptive: Instant sexual expectations or assumptions of dominance (e.g., “I know you can handle me,” implying racialized endurance).
Reaction to Boundaries	Accepting: Respects a “no” or a redirect without issue.	Defensive: Gets angry, debates, or gaslights (“It’s just a preference”) when you set a boundary.

Practical Tools: Scripts and Prompts

Profile Examples

Use your bio to filter out fetishists early by signalling that you require conversation.

• Casual + Curious: “Reader, runner, and occasional home-chef. Tell me one book, podcast, or video that genuinely changed your mind.”
• Playful + Intellectual: “I like banter with heart. Give me a ‘hot take’ you can defend politely.”
• Values-Forward: “Kindness, consistency, and good conversation. What do you value more: freedom or stability?”
• Direct Boundary: “I’m here for real connection—no racial fetish talk. If you’re curious about me, ask me something human.”

Conversation Starters

If the chat is dry, try these to gauge if they are capable of intellectual intimacy.

1. Warm: “What’s a small thing you’re proud of this month?”
2. Cultural: “What’s a song that raised you?”
3. Meaningful: “What idea have you changed your mind about in the last few years?”

Boundary Scripts (Copy/Paste)

When you encounter fetishisation, you do not owe anyone an education. Use these scripts to protect your peace.

• The Light Redirect: “I’m more into conversation than stereotypes. What are you actually looking for on here?”
• Naming It: “That comment feels racialised/fetishising to me. I’m not into being approached that way.”
• The One Chance: “If you want to talk like two humans and not a fantasy, I’m open. Otherwise, I’m going to pass.”
• The Hard Stop: “I don’t engage with racial fetish talk. Take care.”

A Note for Allies and Platforms

Ally Actions

If you are a non-Black person dating Black men, avoid turning “learning” into labour for the person you desire.

• Don’t open with race. Open with personhood.
• Repair, don’t argue. If you mess up, say: “You’re right. That was racialised. I’m sorry, and I won’t do it again.”
• Intervene. Challenge fetish talk in your own friend circles when Black men aren’t present.

Platform Responsibility

The burden should not rest solely on the user. Researchers recommend that platforms must explicitly name sexual racism in community guidelines, improve reporting flows for fetish language, and provide transparency reports on how they handle discrimination complaints (Stacey & Forbes, 2022)⁴.

Conclusion

Racialised fetishisation constantly tries to shrink Black gay men into stereotypes—prioritising fantasy over humanity. Centring intellectual intimacy is a way to push back.

The goal is not to deny desire but to broaden its scope. Intellectual intimacy is about establishing a space where Black gay men are fully recognised—as nuanced human beings, complex thinkers, artists, storytellers, custodians of diverse minds and cultures.

Every Black person deserves a desire that includes their mind, softness, complexity, and culture—and the right to say “no” without punishment.

References

1. Callander, D., Holt, M., & Newman, C. E. (2016). ‘Not everyone’s gonna like me’: Accounting for race and racism in sex and dating web services for gay and bisexual men. Ethnicities, 16(1), 3–21. https://doi.org/10.1177/1468796815581428
2. Han, C. W. (2021). Racial erotics: Gay men of colour, sexual racism, and the politics of desire. University of Washington Press. https://uwapress.uw.edu/book/9780295749099/racial-erotics/
3. Sanders, S. M., Williams, T. R., Berry, A. T., Garcia-Aguilera, C., Robinson, K., Martin, R., & Jones, P. (2024). Internalised Racism and Mental Health: The Moderating Role of Collective Racial Self-Esteem. Behavioural Sciences, 14(11), 1003–1003. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs14111003
4. Stacey, L., & Forbes, T. D. (2022). Feeling like a fetish: Racialised feelings, fetishisation, and the contours of sexual racism on gay dating apps. The Journal of Sex Research, 59(3), 372–384. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2021.1979455
5. Wade, R. M., & Harper, G. W. (2020). Racialised sexual discrimination (RSD) in online sexual networking: Moving from discourse to measurement. The Journal of Sex Research, 58(6), 795–807. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1808945
6. Wade, R. M., & Pear, M. M. (2022). A Good App Is Hard to Find: Examining Differences in Racialised Sexual Discrimination across Online Intimate Partner-Seeking Venues. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(14), 8727. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19148727

Trade vs. Thinker: The Cost of Valuing Black Bodies Over Black Minds