by Daniel Nkado
The gay man’s relentless pursuit of the “macho image” stems less from genuine desire and more from fear and anxiety. The fear of appearing “too feminine” fuels constant pressure to perform.
Many gay men learn early in life through teasing and societal pressure that being “feminine” invites shame.
Many gay men respond to the shame attached to femininity by engaging in compensatory behaviour—that is, embracing and performing hyper-masculinity.
Gay men prefer masculinity or a good performance of it!
Studies show that many gay men prefer masculine-presenting or masculine-compensating partners, a situation that is often a reflection of deep-seated internalised homophobia (Gerrard et al., 2023)2.
Both in gay dating and regular community life, phrases like “masc4masc” or “no fems” remain common, reinforcing the rejection and exclusion of effeminate men.
However, the obsession among some gay men with masculine conformity takes a heavy toll—fueling shame, loneliness, and emotional distress (Fischgrund et al., 2011)1.
Gay men and the performance of masculinity
Some gay men born with strong feminine traits learn early that softness can attract judgment, so they decide to “switch”. Like a drag queen perfecting her drag, they refine their masculine act until any internal feminine tendencies are fully suppressed. It’s less about pretending — and more about surviving in a world that still fears difference.
Gay men often switch to masculine behaviour in response to different pressures and personal motivations, such as:
- To avoid stigma and discrimination
- For safety and survival, eg, gay men living in places where being gay is dangerous.
- Increase desirability and social acceptance, etc.
Hyper-masculinity or ‘macho behaviour’ in gay men
Research, such as that by Sánchez et al. (2012)4, suggests that gay men whose inborn disposition strongly leans toward effeminacy tend to overperform masculinity as a cover-up, as seen in some macho men.
This behaviour is called hypermasculine compensation or masculine overcompensation—or simply compensatory masculinity. It defines the exaggerated masculine behaviour adopted by some gay men to hide more pronounced feminine traits to avoid stigma and “pass” as heterosexual. Or at least pass as “straight-acting” gay men.
Also, by adopting a hyper-masculine identity, a gay man can signal to potential partners and peers that he is not the stereotype of the “camp” or “effeminate” gay man, which is often culturally devalued and associated with lower social currency within the community.
Some social writers have noted that gay men, especially those with stronger feminine tendencies, are more likely to exaggerate masculine behaviour (go macho) if they feel their masculinity is constantly being threatened or questioned, or they have previously been accused of being gay.
Some gay men, particularly those with inner feminine tendencies beneath a masculine physique, often adopt a “macho” persona as a defence mechanism against external judgment or internal shame.
Furthermore, hypermasculine or “macho” behaviour is highly prized in the gay social world—from dating apps to social media spaces. A well-executed hypermasculine behaviour rewards the performer by maximising his desirability in dating and earning him immediate social validation.
Common examples of compensatory masculinity or hypermasculinity in gay men may include a rigid adherence to masculine clothing, loudness, overemphasis on physical strength, and the explicit (and often arrogant) rejection of ‘femme’ traits.
Why gay men worship “masc4masc” and the macho ideal
The preference for hyper-masculine, macho or “masc4masc” partners goes beyond genuine desire — it’s a strategy to manage societal pressures and prejudices. The behaviour reinforces femophobia and creates unnecessary hierarchies, pressuring all gay men to conform to rigid masculine ideals (Herek et al., 2007)3.
The desire and pursuit of macho behaviour stands boldly as a message confirming the gay individual’s utter rejection of anything feminine and also as a way of creating unnecessary shame-invented hierarchy (“I’m not like those gay men”).
Authentic masculinity in some gay men
It’s important to note that not all masculine gay men are performing or compensating; many embody a naturally masculine temperament. The distinction lies in intent—authentic masculinity flows effortlessly, while performative masculinity is driven by the need to prove.
Gay men with authentic masculinity usually show a comfortable version of masculinity that suits who they are (personalised to their innate emotional template) without any need to exaggerate or inflate behaviour.
Interestingly, this group often includes the quiet gays (gay men who present with calm masculinity and live their lives avoiding unnecessary attention) and some androgynous gays.
Gay men with authentic masculinity embody a quiet confidence that contrasts sharply with the overperformed version seen in some hyper-masculine actors who are trying to hide their feminine traits. Because this masculinity is genuine, there is no need to exaggerate or inflate behaviour.
Other reasons gay men go for macho
The preference for masculine partners can be complex and not solely rooted in stigma or femophobia. Factors like physical safety in hostile environments, genuine erotic attraction to masculine traits, and the pursuit of social compatibility can also legitimately shape partner choice. Recognising these nuances helps distinguish between personal preference and structural exclusion.
Fem gay men — Champions of authenticity!
By rejecting gender norms to embrace one’s natural feminine tendencies, fem gay men offer a powerful representation of being true to oneself.
Yet, this authenticity comes at a cost. Fem gay men often face discrimination from both mainstream society and within the gay community as well, leading to potential psychological distress or social isolation.
Understanding Femophobia
Femophobia—sometimes called anti-effeminacy bias—is more than just a dislike of feminine men. It’s the deep-rooted fear and rejection of femininity itself, especially when it appears on a male body. In gay culture, this fear often disguises itself as preference or taste, but beneath the surface lies something much more systemic and damaging.
At its core, femophobia is the result of hegemonic masculinity—the cultural ideal of the “real man” who is tough, stoic, and in control.
Hegemonic masculinity is the version of masculinity that emphasises toughness, aggression, and authority or male dominance over women and other “less macho” men.
Examples of femophobic behaviours in gay men
a. In-Group Policing: When one gay man rejects another for being feminine, it’s not just preference—it’s a defence mechanism to distance himself from the feared trait and assert higher social status.
b. Exclusionary Behaviour: This manifests in actions like using terms like “masc4masc” or “no fems” on dating apps.
c. Microaggressions: Examples include telling a feminine man to “man up,” policing his voice/gestures, or treating him as a lesser friend or partner.
The Irony — Fem doesn’t like to date fem, either!
On dating apps, phrases like “masc only” or “no femmes” are widespread, signalling reduced desirability for feminine-presenting men in dating and social circles. Research consistently shows that feminine-presenting gay men face marginalisation, prejudice, and a higher rate of rejection in the gay dating market.
But what makes the entire situation a little ironic is that studies and anecdotal evidence have shown that a substantial number of feminine-presenting gay men are primarily or exclusively attracted to masculine men. This preference is so common that “fem4fem” is not nearly as prominent as “masc4masc” in the broader dating economy, though it does exist in some niche communities.
Some fem gay men have also openly noted a preference for “macho men” when it comes to dating. It’s like saying, while I am free to be soft, I want my partner to be hard – in fact, the harder the better!
This reveals a quiet contradiction in the fem ideal of queer authenticity.
It’s a valid paradox. While the fem gay man rejects the pressure to be masculine in his own presentation, through his preference for “macho” or “hard” partners, he unwittingly validates the same performed masculinity that often fuels their marginalisation.
Conclusion
Femophobia stems from internalized homophobia—the result of society’s negative views about queerness. As mainstream culture equates being gay with being “less manly,” many gay men overcompensate by adopting hyper-masculine or macho personas.
However, research shows this performance takes a toll on mental health and relationships. True freedom within queer spaces requires dismantling rigid gender norms and embracing all forms of self-expression for all men without shame.
📚 References
1. Fischgrund, B. N., Halkitis, P. N., & Carroll, J. (2011). Conceptions of hypermasculinity and mental health states in gay and bisexual men. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 12(4), 283–296. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024925
2. Gerrard, B., Morandini, J., & Dar-Nimrod, I. (2023). Gay and straight men prefer masculine-presenting gay men for a high-status role: Evidence from an ecologically valid experiment. Sex Roles, 88(3-4), 119–129. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-022-01332-y
3. Herek, G. M., Gillis, J. J., & Cogan, J. C. (2007). Internalized stigma and relationship quality in two samples of partnered lesbians and gay men. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 54(3), 299–311. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.54.3.299
4. Sánchez, F. J., & Vilain, E. (2012). “Straight-acting gays”: The relationship between masculine consciousness, anti-effeminacy, and negative gay identity. Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 41(1), 111–119. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-012-9907-2
