By Daniel Nkado.

In queer dating and relationships, labels like top and bottom can help people communicate what they enjoy. But when these terms solidify into permanent identities—dictating what someone “should” or “must” do—they can create unhealthy pressures that harm mental health, intimacy, and overall well-being.

This phenomenon, known as role rigidity, limits exploration and reinforces borrowed stereotypes that do not reflect the full spectrum of queer desire.

Drawing on credible psychological and sexual health studies as well as lived experience, this article highlights 8 evidence-based harms of strict top/bottom roles and why embracing sexual fluidity can help gay and bisexual men build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Role Rigidity Increases Mental Health Strain

Gay and bisexual men already face higher rates of anxiety, depression, and psychological distress due to minority stress—the cumulative impact of stigma, discrimination, and internalised shame (Mereish and Poteat, 2015)⁴.

When sexual roles become rigid, they introduce additional pressure:

• Tops may feel they always have to be dominant or assertive, which increases constant self-monitoring/hypervigilance, lying and other compensatory behaviours.
• Bottoms may feel inadequate (feeling like a “failed man”) due to rigid masculinity ideals. This causes tension between their sexual role and self-image.
• Those who do not fit neatly into either role may experience shame or confusion.

Studies on queer mental health confirm that rigid sexual expectations intensify internal stress and reduce psychological well-being (Shaikh et al., 2024)⁷.

2. Reduced Intimacy and Emotional Connection

Strict role adherence means partners may feel confined to specific, predetermined behaviours and expectations, potentially limiting their ability to explore their own needs or their partner’s desires.

This limitation can hinder sexual exploration, experimentation, and emotional closeness because true intimacy often requires an exchange of vulnerability and self-disclosure, which is inhibited by rigid roles. Over time, relationships may feel stagnant—not because partners are incompatible, but because they are confined to rigid expectations (Brilmyer, 2024)¹.

Research on gay male sexual dynamics shows that versatility—switching or exploring roles—enhances communication, equality, and relationship satisfaction (Rivera and Trees, 2014).

Role-flipping— A practical guide to versatile gay sex

3. Anxiety and Fear of Judgement and Rejection

Role rigidity can heighten the fear of judgment and rejection among gay and bisexual men. Those who identify as “strict tops” or “strict bottoms” may worry that breaking from these fixed scripts and expressing their authentic desires will lead to rejection by partners (Brilmyer, 2024)¹.

A gay or bisexual man who identifies as a “total top” may suffer intense anxiety if he explores other roles with a partner, leading to feelings of shame, fear of exposure, or worry about being judged as fake.

Queer men may interpret role-switching or curiosity as a “failure” or betrayal of their identity, which erodes self-esteem. Over time, this creates secrecy and dishonesty about desires, reducing genuine connection as men avoid vulnerability to protect themselves from being judged, shamed or rejected (Lachowsky et al., 2021).

4. Unbalanced Power Dynamics in Relationships

Rigid “top” and “bottom” identities often turn a simple sexual preference into a cast-iron hierarchy of power. The “top” is cast as dominant and in control, while the “bottom” is positioned as passive or yielding. Over time, these roles spill beyond the bedroom, creating chronic tension in both sexual encounters and everyday relationship dynamics (Moskowitz and Roloff, 2017)⁵.

Research shows that treating roles as fixed reinforces imbalance:

• Tops report pressure to always initiate and perform, contributing to anxiety and emotional fatigue.
• Bottoms often feel disempowered—expected to accommodate their partner’s needs with less influence over pace, positions, or safer-sex decisions (Zhou, 2023)¹⁰.
• In long-term relationships, these patterns can shape everyday decision-making, with tops assumed to lead and bottoms’ needs often overlooked.

How bottom‑shaming affects us all: Real-life examples and ways to end it

5. Increased Role Gatekeeping and Shaming

Rigid top/bottom labels are often weaponised in queer spaces, where men who defy role expectations—such as masculine tops who want to bottom or feminine bottoms who want to top—may be shamed, ridiculed, or excluded (Winder, 2023)⁶.

Bottom-shaming and role gatekeeping or policing behaviour fosters internalised stigma, discourages sexual exploration, and weakens community solidarity.

6. Lying, Performance and Dishonesty About True Desires

Rigid role expectations often push gay and bisexual men to hide or distort their true desires. Instead of expressing what they want, many feel pressured to perform the role they’re expected to play—always topping, always bottoming, or avoiding conversations around versatility.

This leads to dishonest communication, performed actions, and a gradual erosion of trust between partners (Zhou, 2023)¹⁰. Suppressing authentic desires also fuels internalised shame, leaving men disconnected from their own sexuality and less able to pursue fulfilling experiences (Winder, 2023)⁶.

7. Fuels Many Harmful Behaviours in Sexual Encounters

Rigid role identities don’t just limit intimacy—they can actively give rise to harmful behaviours in queer sexual culture. When “top” and “bottom” are treated as fixed hierarchies, men may engage in practices that undermine trust, consent, and mutual respect:

a. Hole checking: Inspecting a partner’s body to “verify” whether a top has ever bottomed, reinforcing stigma and surveillance.

b. Test topping: Topping someone not out of genuine desire, but to test if they are disguising.

c. Phantom top-chasing: Pursuing the fantasy of an “exclusive top” and refusing to allow anyone who has admitted to bottoming to top you.

d. Revenge topping/bottoming: Switching sexual roles with someone new as a way to get back at a current or former partner, often after conflict, breakup, or infidelity.

e. Role defending: Minimising or deflecting responsibility after exploring a different sexual role. E.g., instead of openly acknowledging curiosity or desire, someone may claim they were pressured, intoxicated, or “didn’t really want to do it,” as a way of preserving their fixed identity (Zheng et al., 2024)⁹.

f. Post-Sex Coercion—Pressuring or warning a partner after an encounter not to disclose what happened, usually to protect a fragile role identity, hide versatility, or avoid community judgment (Xu et al., 2024)⁸.

To protect a fixed top/bottom image, some men resort to coercive tactics such as:

• Blocking or cutting off contact to silence disclosure.
• Blackmailing or threatening exposure if a partner speaks out.
• Targeted harm or intimidation designed to preserve reputation and control the narrative.

These behaviours illustrate how rigid role policing can distort sexual encounters into tests of authenticity, punishment, or control. Instead of fostering pleasure and connection, they perpetuate suspicion, shame, and cycles of hostility and exclusion.

8. Community-Level Impact

Rigid “top” and “bottom” labels mirror a heterosexual binary and poorly reflect the diversity of sex between men. This rigidity creates community-level confusion and frustration, especially in casual encounters and partner selection. For instance, men who identify as tops may feel comfortable hooking up with other tops while sidelining bottoms—partners who might otherwise have been their most compatible match. Beyond limiting connection, rigid labels discourage self-discovery, trapping men who could enjoy multiple roles in a single identity, resulting in an imbalance where many are unwilling or unable to explore beyond their chosen role.

Embracing Sexual Fluidity: A Healthier Alternative

Sexual fluidity—the capacity for sexual roles, preferences, and behaviours to change over time—is a natural and well-documented phenomenon in queer sexuality (Katz-Wise, 2015).

Many population-level studies have found that sexual identity and behaviour evolve across the life course, confirming that fluidity is not an exception but a common pattern.

Benefits of Role Flexibility (Versatility in Queer Sex)

• Role flexibility/fluidity fosters open negotiation and vulnerability among queer couples.
• Strengthens trust and genuine connection.
• Reduces performance pressure.
• Promotes long-term satisfaction and sustained desirability between partners.

Research consistently show that fluidity is associated with:

• Higher relationship satisfaction
• Reduced psychological stress
• Greater authenticity
• More fulfilling sex lives

To move toward healthier sexual and relationship dynamics, gay and bisexual men are invited to:

• Be open and honest about true desires and boundaries.
• Normalise experimentation without pressure.
• Challenge toxic stereotypes that reinforce harmful gender norms and diminish authentic self-expression.
• Avoid extreme language in communicating roles (e.g., instead of “total top” or “dom top”, say “top and curious” or “top and open-minded”).
• Seek LGBTQ-affirming therapy when needed.

Versatility and Safety

Most gay and bisexual men—including those who identify as “strict tops” or “strict bottoms”—report versatile behaviour rather than fixed sexual roles. This shows a clear gap between how men label themselves and how they actually have sex, with many practising closeted rather than open versatility.

Research also indicates that versatility is associated with higher HIV/STI risk when prevention strategies are inconsistent, especially if partners avoid discussing role preferences, condom use, PrEP, or HIV/STI status. By contrast, open communication about roles, desires, and protection allows partners to coordinate safer-sex practices more effectively, making sex both safer and more satisfying (Brown et al., 2023)².

References

1. Brilmyer, S. P. (2024). Queer Rigidity: Habit and the Limits of the Performativity Thesis. Critical Inquiry, 50(4), 610–639. https://doi.org/10.1086/730351
2. Brown, J. R., Reid, D., Howarth, A. R., Mohammed, H., Saunders, J., Pulford, C. V., Ogaz, D., Hughes, G., & Mercer, C. H. (2023). Sexual behaviour, STI and HIV testing and testing need among gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men recruited for online surveys pre-/post-COVID-19 restrictions in the UK. Sexually Transmitted Infections, sextrans-2022-055689. https://doi.org/10.1136/sextrans-2022-055689
3. Koblin, B. A., Mayer, K. H., Eshleman, S. H., Wang, L., Mannheimer, S., del Rio, C., Shoptaw, S., Magnus, M., Buchbinder, S., Wilton, L., Liu, T.-Y., Cummings, V., Piwowar-Manning, E., Fields, S. D., Griffith, S., Elharrar, V., & Wheeler, D. (2013). Correlates of HIV Acquisition in a Cohort of Black Men Who Have Sex with Men in the United States: HIV Prevention Trials Network (HPTN) 061. PLoS ONE, 8(7). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0070413
4. Mereish, E. H., & Poteat, V. P. (2015). A relational model of sexual minority mental and physical health: The negative effects of shame on relationships, loneliness, and health. Journal of Counselling Psychology, 62(3), 425–437. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000088
5. Moskowitz, D. A., & Roloff, M. E. (2017). Recognition and Construction of Top, Bottom, and Versatile Orientations in Gay/Bisexual Men. Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 46(1), 273–285. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0810-7
6. Winder, T. J. A. (2023). The Discursive Work of “Bottom-Shaming”: Sexual Positioning Discourse in the Construction of Black Masculinity. Gender & Society, 37(5), 774–799. https://doi.org/10.1177/08912432231186999
7. Shaikh, A., Kamble, P., Vandana Daulatabad, Singhal, A., U Madhusudhan, & Nitin Ashok John. (2024). Mental health challenges within the LGBTQ community: A societal imperative. Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care, 13(9), 3529–3535. https://doi.org/10.4103/jfmpc.jfmpc_321_24
8. Xu, Y., Feng, J., & Rahman, Q. (2024). Gender nonconformity and common mental health problems: A Meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 114, 102500–102500. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102500
9. Zheng, L., Hart, T., & Zheng, Y. (2024). Top/Bottom Sexual Self-labels and Empathising–Systemising Cognitive Styles Among Gay Men in China. https://doi.org/10.32920/25437181
10. Zhou, Z. B. (2023). More bottoms than tops? Mediated sexual roles and masculinity assemblage in Chinese gay communities. Sexualities, 136346072211446. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634607221144623

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