by Ms Jelena
When I was turning 40, my life was a mess.
I’ve lost my job and started a hard and stressful freelance life. Very tight with money, I also had a miscarriage.
My marriage was falling apart. My husband…well, let’s just say I felt very ugly, fat, old and unwanted.
And also – my father died when he was 40 so, with all my existential crisis, I felt some new fears – of my own death.
In a nutshell, things at all didn’t look nice for me. I honestly thought that it was all over. That it will just go downhill from there, and not for very long.
Then, life took over…with a little of my help anyways.
I had a 3-year-old son and I figured that I can’t surrender to that ugly feeling of depression. I pushed myself to go out with him more, to teach him things.
I also tried to spend more time with my friends, to go to therapy as much as I could afford.
Slowly, things began turning a little better.
And now I’ve discovered there’s still a lot of optimism in me. I’ve started to learn to avoid mean comments and toxic fights from my husband, and dark thoughts about death.
I simply worked more. I started to feel there is so much more I can give. New ideas came and I began to feel my brain is still awake.
And just small random flirtation from a random man made me open my eyes completely. So, I’m not actually old, ugly and unwanted – I began to question.
It’s not over for me yet?
All new feelings came. I figured out that I’m a fighter, a strong one, and that I’m actually doing great.
Finally, I started thinking good about myself, in all aspects of life. I remembered all my successes, and I wrote them down to not forget them, ever.
When I figured that out, when I finally started to LOVE and RESPECT myself, it all started to make sense again. And to get a lot better.
Yes, I tried for three more years to fix bad relationships, there were bad moments too, bad thoughts and all, but never like it was before.
Finally, I realized myself and knew my worth. And with that, I created a whole a new environment for myself and began to attract more refreshing company.
Now approaching 47, I am in a happy and loving new relationship with a great man.
I have two sons, many friends, a satisfying job and, most of it all, my internal peace.
I really can say now that life begins at 40. Even 90 doesn’t seem frightening anymore.
My advice to any one feeling hopeless or ever thinking there is nothing more to give is to stay strong and keep loving yourself.
Whatever you think your life will be like 5 years from now, you are probably hilariously wrong!
