Flash Story: The Funny Atheist

by Daniel Nkado

I am an atheist.

I hate God.

No, I don’t hate Him. I just don’t believe He exists. I mean how can you hate something that doesn’t exist, right?

My point exactly.

I always find it funny when people scream Blood of Jesus hoping for some sort of quick divine intercession to their distress. Much like screaming Barack Obama or Martin Luther King when faced with a sudden problem.

I returned from work late that Friday. It was one of those days the traffic appeared elastic, as though all the vehicles were strung together by a stretchy band so that they only seemed to move to and fro their former position.

It was many minutes past 8 when I finally entered the compound. The stairs were thickly dark as usual. The electricity authority dare not lit the bulb till they were sure all had slept. It always seemed they never wanted anyone to use the light anyway. So they usually pull it on quite late in the night; sometimes as late as many hours past midnight.

At the bottom of the stairs, I reached into my pocket and brought out my phone. I turned the torch on and started climbing the steps, one quiet foot after another.

Halfway the stairs, the phone’s light started to flicker.

I checked it; nothing appeared wrong.

Strange.

The next minute the phone died. The screen just turned blank black. I pressed and pressed on the red button, trying to get it on again, but no success.

Now scary.

Grappling with the darkness, I managed my way up the stairs. The hallway appeared even darker. Something ran through my feet and I turned suddenly. But I saw nothing.

A rat obviously.

At my door, I put the phone back into my pocket and brought out my keys.

Trying to slot in the key, the whole bunch slipped and fell.

Shit!

I bent to the floor, fumbling around for it. A gust of wind whistled past my head. I turned and for a tiny, terrifying second thought I saw something.

A human figure clothed in white. A ghost.

My breathing became faster.

Only six days ago, a neighbour had died from a road accident. And I owed her 8K.

Luckily, my fingers finally touched the keys and I quickly picked it up. I slotted the right key into the hole and pushed the door open.

I was greeted by this great sea of darkness. I was still trying to adjust my eyes to the blackness when, suddenly, out of the dense darkness, I heard a meow!

A cat in my room!

‘Blood of Jesus save me!’ I screamed.