How bottom‑shaming affects us all: Real-life examples and ways to end it

by Gloria Ezeh

Bottom-shaming is a set of words, jokes, profiles, and behaviours that demean receptive anal sex and the men who enjoy it. It shows up everywhere: in hookups and friend groups, on dating apps, in porn language, and even inside our own heads.

This article shows concrete examples of the act, explains the real harms, and gives practical, evidence‑informed steps to dismantle the stigma and promote sexual honesty, safety, and dignity.

What Bottom-Shaming Looks Like in the Real World

These are everyday actions and phrases that communicate a hierarchy between “tops” and “bottoms.” They range from blunt insults to tiny micro-exclusions that accumulate into stigma over time.

1. Direct Verbal Shaming

• “You bottom? I thought you were a real man.” — Equates bottoming with emasculation.
• “Bottoms are just failed tops.” — Frames receptive pleasure as a downgrade.
• “I’d never let another bottom top me.” — Casts bottoms as contaminated or unworthy.

2. Profile and App-Bio Shaming

• “No bottoms, no fats, no fems.” — Groups bottoming with other excluded traits.
• “Masc 4 masc, tops only.” — Signals bottoming disqualifies masculinity.
• “Prefer tops. Vers okay if you top.” — Subtly ranks topping as superior, while also really looking to bottom.

3. Behavioural Shaming

• “Test-topping” or “hole checks” — Interrogating someone’s sexual history as if prior bottoming makes them used or less desirable.
• Refusing to kiss or cuddle after someone bottoms — Treating the receptive partner as “dirty.”
• Laughing when someone admits they enjoy bottoming — Turning disclosure and honesty into performance and ridicule.

4. Internalised Self-Shaming

• Lying (“I’ve never bottomed” when you do it often) to protect status.
• Framing bottoming as a lapse (“I only bottom when drunk”) rather than a valid preference.
• Secretly enjoying receptive play or travelling abroad to bottom while publicly insisting you’re “a total top.”

5. Group and Community Shaming

• Jokes that equate the bottom with being “the girl” in a relationship.
• Praising “tight holes” as if sexual history lowers value.
• Celebrating “top energy” at parties and ignoring the input of the bottom partner.

6. Media and Porn Echoes

• Using degrading porn titles, tropes or narration that fetishise or vilify bottoms while glorifying tops.
• Casting bottoms almost exclusively as twinks or femme-presenting, reinforcing a narrow stereotype.

How Bottom-Shaming Harms Everyone

Bottom‑shaming does more than sting — it reshapes behaviour, sexual health practices, and mental well-being.

• Drives secrecy and dishonesty about preferences, particularly among younger gay men.
• Increases anxiety during sex, which can manifest as erectile issues or tension during an attempt to bottom.
• Reinforces internalised stigma, which can contribute to mental‑health strain and unexplained paranoia.
• Distorts social and dating dynamics, leading to discriminatory and exclusionary behaviours against one role.
• Weakens moral judgment — e.g., a “total top” who bottoms in secret, insulting and shaming someone who admits their act.
• Reduces sexual agency by making it harder for individuals to assert their needs and boundaries, complicating healthy sexual communication and consent dynamics.

These effects add up. Every joke, bio line, or “test” quietly reinforces exclusion and chips away at the openness needed for more truthful and safer sex. Over time, this quiet policing of desire moves from shaping behaviour in individuals to defining broader community norms, pushing gay men into a culture of hiding instead of honest and safe exploration (Vytniorgu and Garcia-Iglesias, 2024)².

How to Challenge Bottom-Shaming — Practical Steps

Change happens through everyday choices. Small, consistent actions make the environment safer and more inclusive.

1. Name the Behaviour, Kindly and Specifically —Say: “That joke reduces people who bottom to a stereotype—not cool.” Short, direct, non-shaming language works better than public ridicule.

2. Model Neutral Language about Roles —Use plain statements like “I prefer topping” or “I like bottoming” with the same tone you’d use for food or hobbies. Treating role labels as neutral lowers stigma.

3. Challenge Exclusionary App Language— If you see “no bottoms” or “no fems,” encourage respectful wording privately: “Preferences are fine, but that phrasing stigmatises people.” Encourage alternatives like, “I primarily seek tops.”

4. Protect Privacy and Consent —Stop “test-topping” and hole checks. Ask about boundaries and experience only when it matters for consent and comfort, not as a status test.

5. Celebrate Competent, Consensual Bottoming— Compliment skill, communication, and aftercare regardless of role. Praise partners for negotiation, safer-sex practices, and mutual pleasure.

6. Work on Internalised Shame —Name your honest preferences. If you’ve told lies to fit in, try one truthful conversation in a safe space. Therapy, peer groups, or community educators can help unpack internalised norms.

7. Shift Media and Porn Literacy —Call out demeaning tropes in porn and pop culture; support creators who portray diverse, consensual, and non-stigmatising sexualities.

8. Normalise using stronger, agency‑centred language that frames receptive sex as mutual and collaborative— e.g., prefer “bottom with” over “bottom for” which implies a service or obligation.

Quick Guide for Allies and Community Leaders

• If you’re hosting an event: Avoid “top energy” and “mandem” framing; use inclusive language.
• If you moderate an app or group: Remove or flag blatantly exclusionary bios and provide guidance for respectful phrasing.
• If you’re a content creator: Depict receptive pleasure without stereotyped gendering or shame.
• If you’re a peer: Intervene with one sentence when you hear a shaming line; model neutrality in how you talk about roles.
• If you’re a writer: Use terms that centre agency and respect rather than shame. E.g., Instead of “greedy or desperate bottom”, write “adventurous or experienced or passionate receptive partner.”

Cultural shifts in queer communities have happened before through small, consistent norm changes—make this another such moment (Awakening LLC., n.d)¹.

There’s no real hierarchy between men who bottom and those who top — these are simply sexual roles, not measures of worth or identity. A lack of proper understanding often pushes some gay men to interpret their relationships through a heterosexual lens, creating the false belief that topping equals masculinity while bottoming equals femininity (Tabberer, 2023)³.

In truth, many men who claim to be “total tops” often do so not because that’s what they truly want, but to protect their image. A consensual sexual practice pursued for pleasure does not diminish a man; shaming him for exercising bodily autonomy does.

A One-Sentence Antidote

“I like bottoming” should be as neutral as “I like coffee.” Until that’s normalised, every joke, lie, or bio builds the wall of shame. Tear it down: Call it out kindly, live it openly, and treat sexual roles as preferences, not morals.

References

1. Awakening LLC. (n.d.). The bottom line on bottom shaming. Awakening LLC Counselling & Coaching. https://www.awakeningllctherapy.com/post/the-bottom-line-on-bottom-shaming
2. Vytniorgu, R., & Garcia-Iglesias, J. (2024). Bottom shaming, shame anxiety, and sexual well-being. Lambda Nordica. https://www.lambdanordica.org/index.php/lambdanordica/article/view/990
3. Tabberer, J. (2023, September 1). Is top and bottom culture ruining gay sex? An investigation. Attitude. https://www.attitude.co.uk/culture/sexuality/the-toxicity-of-top-and-bottom-culture-427224/