The pleasure in bottoming does not come from endurance. It comes from control and relaxation. The “Control + Relax” technique is a smart body and mind approach that uses muscle awareness, intentional breathing, and mindfulness to turn discomfort into deep, connected pleasure.
It’s a method that is both physical and psychological, and when practised consciously, can fundamentally change your sexual experience. Similar strategies have been utilised in many pain and stress management interventions.
The “Control + Relax” technique for pleasurable bottoming
When effectively mastered, this technique has been found to help all men (gay, straight, bi, pan, etc) enjoy receptive anal sex, also known as “bottoming”, more.
Step 1. Conscious Control: The Mind–Body Connection
“Conscious Control” means using your mind to guide your body’s response rather than letting anxiety or reflexive tension take over.
This can be achieved in two ways:
a. Mindful breathing
Deep and slow breathing signals to your nervous system that you are safe, which helps calm both the mind and the muscles of your pelvic floor. Muscle tension is often a direct result of your body being unsure of your safety.
Scientists have found that our bodies are constantly scanning our immediate surroundings for cues of safety and danger (a process called “neuroception”), and can trigger a corresponding response even without our conscious thought (Porges, 2022)1.
Additionally, our bodies store imprints of past trauma, which can make the nervous system hyperalert, causing it to trigger an unnecessary response even when we are safe or overlook actual dangers—this is why it is important that your first bottoming experience goes well and every other one after that.
During penetration, inhaling deeply and exhaling completely helps the affected muscles to relax, preventing the tight clenching that can cause pain. Another way of confirming your safety to your nervous system is by reaching out and holding the hand of your partner. Foreplay before penetration also helps. It’s often easier to bottom with someone you already trust instead of a new person every time.
b. Cognitive reframing
This is a psychological technique that involves changing your perspective about a situation by recognising a negative idea you associate with it, questioning its validity, and creating a more balanced alternative view.
Social stigma (e.g., the association of bottoming with weakness or femininity) causes many men to feel shame or embarrassment about bottoming. Reframing your thoughts and letting go of prejudices or negativities you link to bottoming reduces anxiety, allowing your muscles to remain relaxed and receptive (Rendina et al., 2019)2.
Anxiety about pain, messiness, or thoughts about reputation afterwards or what the top-playing partner is thinking of you, can create tension before physical contact even begins.
This is why it is recommended that when selecting who you bottom for with, you should focus less on them—how “hot” they are, the size of their penis, or their dominance or “total top” persona and instead focus more on you—how much you trust them and feel safe and respected by them. I call this bottoming for yourself instead of as a gift to someone else. A follow-up article on this recommendation is being prepared by our editors.
Step 2: Deep Relaxation—Letting Go into Pleasure
After establishing mental control, the next step is to release it, allowing genuine pleasure to flow.
This can be achieved in three ways:
a. Targeted muscle relaxation
The anus has two sphincter muscles. The external sphincter can be consciously controlled and relaxed with practice, but the internal sphincter reacts automatically, tightening with stress and loosening with pleasure. Practising relaxation techniques, such as “tension exhalation”, during solo toy/dildo play, can help train the external sphincter to associate penetration with comfort rather than resistance.
Tension exhalation practices, such as shifting to deep belly breaths and deliberately making your exhale longer than your inhale, can help calm the nervous system and reduce pelvic floor guarding and tension in most individuals (Torbay & South Devon NHS, 2024)3.
To apply this, coordinate your breath: Inhale as your partner pauses, and then begin the slow, complete exhale just as your partner begins to push gently inward.
b. The “bearing down” technique
This is another way to achieve muscle relaxation during bottoming. During initial penetration, gently “bear down” as if about to have a bowel movement. This is sometimes called “opening up”. While it feels counterintuitive, this action slightly straightens the anorectal angle, which can make entry smoother and less painful. Combining this with deep breathing can be particularly effective.
c. Trust and surrender
The deepest form of relaxation often comes from emotional surrender. Trusting your partner and allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates a profound sense of safety and connection. When anxiety is replaced with this shared intimacy, your body can fully open, which heightens both physical and emotional pleasure.
When mindful control and conscious relaxation are combined, you create a state of full-body response that can lead to more intense and holistic pleasure.
Prostate (P-spot) stimulation
The prostate, located a few inches inside the rectum, is a nerve-dense organ capable of producing powerful, full-body orgasms in men. Relaxation allows for deeper, more comfortable penetration, increasing the likelihood of stimulating this highly sensitive pleasure zone.
Many men experienced in bottoming have confirmed the possibility of having an anal orgasm – involuntary, rhythmic muscle contractions of the anus in response to intense pleasure – from adequate stimulation of the prostate.
A recent study has also indicated that men are more likely to orgasm from receptive anal sex (bottoming) compared to women (Zaliznyak et al., 2025)4.
Other tips to help the experience:
a. Communicate: Talk openly and honestly about what feels good and what doesn’t. Unless it’s your personal kink (which requires explicit discussion and agreement), avoid the rigid roles dilemma — the total top/strict bottom dynamics. Remember: Sex is an act of connection, not a job title.
b. Use lube generously: The anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so use a generous amount of a body-safe, high-quality lube. Water-based options are great for silicone toys, while silicone-based ones last longer and are often recommended for anal play. Hybrid options are great as well.
c. Find your best position: Everyone has one. Find it and probably start with it or move to it after a spell of intensity as a reset.
d. Stop if not working: The experience of bottoming is different for everyone, and sometimes things are just not working. You have the right to stop going if it’s not working that day. Remember that your partner has this control as well, so don’t feel upset if it’s they who choose to stop.
Conclusion:
Bottoming shouldn’t be painful — it should be powerful. When you master the Control – Relax technique, you open yourself up to deeper connection, better sensations, and more confident intimacy.
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Prepared by Gloria Ezeh (MSc. Medical Parasitology), with contributions by Daniel Nkado and other members of the DNB Stories’ editorial team.
📚 References
- Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton.
- Rendina, H. J., Millar, B. M., & Parsons, J. T. (2019). Psychometric validation of the Sexual Shame and Pride Scale among gay and bisexual men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(1), 249–263. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1259-5
- Torbay & South Devon NHS Foundation Trust. (2024). Pelvic floor relaxation and breathing techniques. https://www.torbayandsouthdevon.nhs.uk
- Zaliznyak, M., Walton, A. B., Stelmar, J., Isaacson, D., Gaither, T. W., Knudson, G., & Garcia, M. M. (2025). Anal sex practices and rectal erogenous zone maps among men and women of diverse sexual orientations: An anatomic-map based questionnaire study. Sexual Medicine, 13(3). https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfaf037
