By Daniel Nkado.
In my Nigerian voice:
I knew we were finished the moment I saw the language of the therapist’s office enter gay dating culture.
Lol.
Terms like gaslighting, boundaries, triggered, attachment style, and doing the work appear everywhere—from Grindr bios to Hinge prompts to awkward first dates. Even millennials use them.
For many queer men, this vocabulary offers validation, clarity, and a shared language for emotional safety. For others, it has created a confusing emotional landscape, where clinical terms are used to judge, diagnose, or distance.
This article breaks down what therapy speak actually is, why it became so widespread in queer dating, and how to use it in ways that support—not sabotage—connection.
1. What exactly is ‘Therapy Speak’?
‘Therapy speak’ refers to the casual use of psychological or clinical terms outside professional contexts. As mental-health awareness has grown, these terms have filtered into everyday language, social media, and dating culture.
This is sometimes also called psychobabble.
Psychologist Nick Haslam (2016)6 describes this phenomenon as Concept Creep—using definitions of harm (e.g., trauma, abuse, bullying) to cover wider, often more casual experiences.
For instance, something mildly upsetting may now be described as “trauma,” even though the original clinical definition was far narrower.
Clinical definition of trauma:
Clinically, trauma is defined as a severe emotional response to a terrible event that overwhelms an individual’s capacity to cope and can cause long-lasting negative impacts on their mental, physical, and emotional well-being.
(American Psychological Association, 2018)1
How Therapy Speak got into dating conversations
A recent linguistic study confirms the expansion of clinical terms such as “trauma,” “triggered,” and “anxiety” over the last 50 years to cover use in casual or everyday conversations—a form of semantic broadening (Baes et al., 2023)2.
This extension helps explain why therapy language shows up so often in contemporary dating interactions.
“Therapy speak” is considered a form of semantic broadening because psychological terms once confined to clinical settings have expanded in meaning and are now applied to a wider range of everyday situations and experiences.
Why Therapy Speak spread so quickly in gay dating
Dating apps reward efficiency/speed and self-branding. In fast-moving online spaces, users need shorthand to communicate emotional intelligence, values, and safety preferences (Finkel et al., 2012)5.
By 2025:
- Saying “respecting boundaries” signals maturity.
- Declaring “no trauma dumping” conveys self-protection.
- Mentioning “attachment styles” suggests emotional awareness.
For queer men—who often navigate minority stress, emotional hypervigilance, and histories of secrecy—therapeutic language also offers safety. It’s a quick way to communicate needs in spaces where vulnerability can feel risky.
Dating apps prioritise speed, encouraging users to look for quick reasons to reject or swipe left and move to the next profile. “Therapy speak” fits neatly into this design, acting as psychological “zip files”—quick-to-spot keywords that instantly convey an entire emotional profile instead of having to demonstrate emotional state over a date or several.
2. The Benefits: Where therapy language helps in queer circles
Before critiquing the trend, it’s important to recognise its positives.
a. Reduced stigma
Discussing therapy, mental health, and emotions openly helps reduce shame and encourages people to seek support. Increased visibility of therapy language correlates with higher help-seeking behaviour (Doherty, 2024)4.
b. Emotional clarity
Words like “anxious attachment” or “internalised shame” provide frameworks for describing difficult or previously unnameable experiences.
c. Improved safety
Research shows that clear boundary language helps people identify and exit genuinely coercive or unhealthy relationship dynamics earlier (Tawwab, 2021)9.
For queer men—who disproportionately face intimate-partner violence and discrimination—this vocabulary can be life-saving.
3. The problems Therapy Speak causes
Despite its benefits, therapy speak can backfire—especially when concepts are misunderstood or misapplied.
a. Excessive pathologisation and over-therapizing
As concepts of harm expand, normal relationship challenges can be mistaken for pathology.
Research shows that people who hold broader definitions of mental disorders are significantly more likely to make diagnoses (Tse and Haslam, 2024)8.
In queer dating, this can show up as:
- Calling someone “narcisistic” after one selfish moment.
- Describing a bad date as “traumatic.”
- Concluding someone is “avoidantly attached” because they replied late.
These labels can prevent fair, proportional responses to simple, human imperfection.
Over-therapizing:
Over-therapizing—a concept amplified by rising mental-health awareness among young people and popularised on platforms like TikTok—is used to describe situations where people use therapeutic language as an escape route to avoid or get out of difficult, unwanted situations. Couples therapist Daniel Dashnaw, who has contributed to the term’s mainstream usage, notes how people have become so fluent in discussing boundaries and triggers that dating starts to feel more like case management than genuine connection (Dashnaw, 2025)3.
b. Weaponised psychology
Clinical terms can be used to avoid accountability, win arguments, or justify disappearing.
Examples include:
- Accusing someone of “gaslighting” when they simply remember differently.
- Saying “I’m protecting my peace” as an excuse for ghosting (Psychology Today, 2023)7.
- Using “boundaries” as a tool to control someone else instead of regulating yourself.
c. The big confusion with boundaries
Boundaries are often misused as ultimatums:
“You can’t text me after 10 p.m.”
But real boundaries are about your own behaviour, not policing someone else’s (Tawwab, 2021)9:
“I won’t be responding to messages after 10 p.m.”
When misapplied, boundary language becomes distancing rather than connecting.
4. Real-life scenarios of Therapy Speak flaws in gay dating
Therapy-speak patterns often reveal a tension between the desire for connection and the instinct to protect oneself from being hurt—or, in some cases, a gap in self-awareness.
- A guy on Hinge lists “No trauma dumping” in his prompts — then on date one launches into a 20-minute monologue about his narcissistic ex.
- Someone ends things with “You’re crossing my boundaries” after you asked if he’d like to get dinner this weekend.
- “I’m not ready for anything that might trigger my abandonment wound” becomes code for “I just want to hook up, no strings.”
- Sends an angry essay to someone, diagnosing them as “avoidant” or “emotionally unavailable” for not replying to a message.
5. 🧭 Practical Guide: Using Therapy Language Positively
Improper use of therapy‑speak can create problems in queer relationships, but—as discussed above—there are also situations where terms like gaslighting or boundaries show real value when they accurately describe what’s happening or are used to clarify one’s needs.
This guide encourages replacing jargon with clearer, kinder language that supports honest, nuanced communication.
| Buzzword | Mindful Shift | Instead of saying… | Try saying… |
|---|---|---|---|
| Gaslighting | ✅ Check the fit. Use only when describing a repeated pattern of manipulation, not a simple disagreement. | “You’re gaslighting me.” | “I remember that differently, and it feels dismissive when my perspective is denied.” |
| Boundaries | ✅ Focus on yourself. Boundaries are about your actions, not controlling someone else’s behaviour. | “Treat my personal items as a boundary.” | “I take time to feel safe sharing personal things — I’d like us to build that slowly.” |
| Attachment | ✅ Use plain language. Jargon can distance; simple words invite vulnerability and clarity. | “Our attachment styles aren’t compatible.” | “I’m not feeling the romantic connection I’m looking for, but I enjoyed meeting you.” |
| Trauma | ✅ Share, don’t dump. Build trust gradually instead of unloading heavy stories too soon. | [Detailed trauma story on Date 1] | “I’ve been through some tough experiences, but I’d like to keep things light tonight.” |
| Triggered | ✅ Scale your language. Reserve “triggered” for strong trauma responses; use everyday words for mild irritation. | “I’m triggered by that comment.” | “That comment made me uncomfortable — could we talk about it differently?” |
| Toxic | ✅ Be specific. Describe the behavior instead of using blanket labels that shut down dialogue. | “You’re toxic.” | “I feel drained when our conversations focus only on negativity.” |
| Narcissist | ✅ Avoid armchair diagnosis. Unless clinically assessed, focus on how the behavior affects you. | “You’re a narcissist.” | “I feel unheard when the conversation always circles back to you.” |
| Trauma Dumping | ✅ Respect pacing. Share personal history gradually and check consent before going deep. | “Here’s everything about my ex and childhood trauma.” | “I’ve been through a lot, but I’d like to share more when we know each other better.” |
Conclusion:
Therapy language has helped queer people survive, heal, and name experiences that were once unspeakable. But when clinical jargon replaces vulnerability, clarity, or accountability, it can undermine connection.
The healthiest shift isn’t abandoning the vocabulary—it’s learning to use it more consciously. Sometimes the most grounding, emotionally intelligent thing you can say isn’t a diagnosis or reciting a boundary. It’s a simple truth:
“I like you but I’m scared of getting hurt again—can we take things slow?”
That’s not therapy speak. That’s intimacy.
References
- American Psychological Association. (2018, April 19). APA Dictionary of Psychology. Dictionary.apa.org; American Psychological Association. https://dictionary.apa.org/trauma
- Baes, N., Vylomova, E., Zyphur, M., & Haslam, N. (2023). The semantic inflation of “trauma” in psychology. Psychology of Language and Communication, 27(1), 23–45. https://doi.org/10.58734/plc-2023-0002
- Dashnaw, D. (2025, July 8). Dating While Over-Therapized: When Healing Becomes a Hidey-Hole. Daniel Dashnaw Couples Therapy Blog. https://danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com/blog/dating-while-over-therapized
- Doherty, K. (2024, July 15). Therapy Doesn’t Always Work. (Here’s Why.). Helloalma.com; Alma. https://helloalma.com/blog/stats-therapy-doesnt-work/
- Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3–66. https://doi.org/10.1177/1529100612436522
- Haslam, N. (2016). Concept creep: Psychology’s expanding concepts of harm and pathology. Psychological Inquiry, 27(1), 1–17. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840x.2016.1082418
- Psychology Today. (2023). What Happens When Therapy-Speak Creeps Into a Relationship | Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-devices-our-selves/202305/when-therapy-speak-creeps-into-our-relationships
- Tse, J. S. Y., & Haslam, N. (2024). Broad concepts of mental disorder predict self-diagnosis. SSM. Mental Health, 6, 100326–100326. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmmh.2024.100326
- Tawwab, N. G. (2021). An Excerpt From Set Boundaries, Find Peace | Penguin Random House. PenguinRandomhouse.com. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/articles/set-boundaries-find-peace-excerpt/
