Overcoming Internalised Shame as a Black Gay Man—A Research-Backed Guide

11 research‑backed steps to healing internalised shame as a Black gay man.

November 26, 2025November 26, 2025 - by dnbstories - Leave a Comment

By Daniel Nkado.

For Black gay men Internalized shame isn't just a fleeting feeling; it's the deep-seated belief that something is inherently wrong with you, absorbed from years of external bias.

For many Black gay men, internalised shame arrives quietly—through a barber’s sidelong glance, a preacher’s pause, or the sudden hush at family gatherings—when you walk into a space. Those small moments add up, turning pride into performance and joy into something you ration.

The causes of this shame are deeply rooted in intersectional stigma: where race, sexuality, and gender identity converge. It manifests in feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and fear of rejection, which can all lead to isolation, lack of confidence and constant self-monitoring.

Internalised shame is a quiet, daily struggle for many Black gay men. Each experience is unique, shaped by societal expectations and personal stressors. Embracing queer empowerment is a powerful path forward, helping individuals reclaim their identity and challenge societal norms.

Drawing from psychology, community research, and lived experience, this guide examines the realities of internalised stigma and shame among Black gay men and offers science‑based steps to healing and resilience.

1. The Weight of Intersectional Stigma

Internalised shame isn’t just a fleeting feeling; it’s the deep-seated belief that something is inherently wrong with you, unconsciously assimilated from years of navigating external bias and prejudices. For Black gay men in Western regions, this manifests at the “intersection”—where homophobia within Black communities clashes with racism in white LGBTQ+ spaces. Researchers call this intersectional internalised stigma (Earnshaw et al., 2019)⁴.

Statistics confirm this pressure:

Black LGBTQ youth attempt suicide at a rate of 19% (far higher than their peers), and Black Americans, just 13% of the population, account for about 40% of new HIV diagnoses, fueled by stigma and unequal access to care. Racism and homophobia together drive sharply higher rates of depression and anxiety among Black gay and bisexual men (The Trevor Project, 2022¹¹; CDC, 2024²; English et al., 2018)⁵.

Homophobia, stigma and violence against Black gay men in Africa

Black gay men in many African countries face a distinct set of severe challenges—including legal persecution, cultural homophobia, and targeted violence. These struggles are often rooted in colonial-era laws that criminalised same-sex relationships and were carried forward into post-independence legal systems, where they continue to shape policy and public attitudes today (Buckle, 2024)¹.

Anti-sodomy laws introduced by British and French colonial administrations remain in force in over half of African nations today.

2. How internalised shame shows up in daily life

The impact of internalised shame and stigma on Black gay men permeates every aspect of daily life, often appearing in subtle but painful ways:

a. Psychological Impact:

Internalised shame and stigma have a profound psychological impact on Black gay men, leading to:

Higher rates of mental health issues, such as depressive symptoms and anxiety disorders.
Higher rates of suicidal thoughts and attempts (Graham et al., 2011)⁷.
Low self-esteem and self-worth.
Social isolation.
Higher rates of risky sexual practices and avoidance of HIV testing/treatment (Fields et al., 2016)⁶.

b. Relationships and Intimacy:

Internalised shame and stigma affect the ability of Black gay men to form and maintain healthy, intimate relationships.

Feelings of unworthiness.
Fear of rejection and avoidance of gay social spaces/events.
High rates of sexual anxiety leading to arousal and erectile issues (Yang et al., 2019)¹².

c. Health:

Internalised shame and stigma often discourage Black gay men from seeking sexual and mental health support, resulting in higher rates of untreated mental health challenges and preventable sexual health infections (Quinn et al., 2019)⁹.

3. Science-backed healing strategies for internalised stigma

Healing from internalised shame and stigma requires a multi-layered approach that addresses both individual cognitive processes and systemic issues of racism and homophobia.

These practical and science-backed methods of healing from shame focus on:

Developing self-compassion
Building strong support networks
Engaging in culturally competent therapy, and
Fostering resilience through community and advocacy (Rose and Brown, 2022)¹⁰.

Evidence‑based methods for dismantling shame and building resilience, organised into cognitive, social, and lifestyle approaches:

Category	Core Strategy	What It Means	Quick Action Tip
I. Therapeutic & Cognitive Methods	Cognitive Restructuring	Challenge and replace negative beliefs about worthiness, race, and sexuality absorbed from stigma.	Journal one negative thought daily and rewrite it with a counter‑truth or affirmation.
	Self‑Compassion Practices	Actively cultivate kindness toward yourself, countering judgment and embracing imperfection with warmth.	Choose a day to indulge in one healthy activity you love.
	Culturally Affirming Therapy	Work with trauma‑informed, LGBTQ+‑affirming professionals who validate intersectional experiences.	Search via NQTTCN or Psychology Today’s LGBTQ+ filter.
	Emotion Regulation Skills	Use mindfulness or opposite‑to‑emotion techniques to manage intense feelings like shame, anger, or fear.	Pause and practice 5 minutes of mindful breathing when overwhelmed.
II. Social & Community‑Based Methods	Building a Support Network	Connect with affirming friends, family, or “chosen family” to reduce isolation and foster belonging.	Join a local or online Black LGBTQ+ support group this week.
	Identity‑Specific Group Engagement	Participate in spaces created by and for Black LGBTQ+ individuals (arts, sports, cultural events).	Attend one Black queer community event this month.
	Consuming Affirming Media	Seek positive, diverse representations of Black gay men in TV, film, and literature.	Watch or read media featuring joyful Black queer stories this week.
	Community Advocacy & Activism	Engage in collective action to dismantle oppression and celebrate identity.	Volunteer or donate to a Black queer advocacy group this month.
III. Self‑Care & Lifestyle Practices	Mindfulness & Meditation	Use guided or unguided meditation to reduce anxiety, manage stress, and increase presence.	Try Liberate (for POC) or Insight Timer for a 10‑minute session.
	Physical Activity	Exercise improves mood, lowers stress hormones, and mitigates the toll of discrimination.	Practice yoga, resistance training, or brisk walking three times this week.
	Creative Expression	Use writing, painting, music, or dance to process emotions and build self‑worth.	Dedicate 20 minutes weekly to a creative outlet that feels authentic.

Sources: (Davis and Morahan, 2024³; McDavitt et al., 2008⁸; Rose and Brown, 2022)¹⁰.

four black gay men looking happy talks healing from shame and stigma through support networks — Connecting with affirming friends, family, or chosen family helps to reduce stigma-associated isolation among Black gay men.

🌈We are Black and Queer! Unapologetic!

To be born is to be worthy. The shame you carry is borrowed—it can be released. Seek support in honest conversations, therapy, affirming groups, and spaces that celebrate both your Blackness and your queerness.

Each time you show up fully, shame loses power and joy takes its place. 💖

Dance at the private house parties in Lekki. Take that Instagram crush to dinner in Hell’s Kitchen. Drop by Brixton to check in with your chosen family. This life is real, already lived by Black gay men who chose to stop shrinking.

You can too. Step forward. Enter rooms freely. Laugh wider so people notice. Fill the space where shame once lived with colour, with joy, with you. 👨🏿‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏽

Next Steps

If you’re ready to speak to someone, consider these resources:

National Queer & Trans Therapists of Colour Network (NQTTCN): https://www.nqttcn.com
Psychology Today: Filter for “Gay” and “Black/African American” providers https://www.psychologytoday.com
The Trevor Project: 24/7 confidential support for LGBTQ youth https://www.thetrevorproject.org

Daniel Nkado is a Nigerian writer, editor, and author, best known as the founder of DNB Stories Africa, a digital platform covering Black stories, lifestyle, and queer culture.

References

Buckle, L. (2024). African Sexuality and the Legacy of Imported Homophobia. Stonewall. https://www.stonewall.org.uk/news/african-sexuality-and-legacy-imported-homophobia
CDC. (2024). CDC Publishes New HIV Surveillance Reports. National Center for HIV, Viral Hepatitis, STD, and Tuberculosis Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/nchhstp/about/atlasplus.html
Davis, A. J., & Morahan, M. (2024). Decolonising integrative practice with Black queer men who experienced trauma: A thematic analysis. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 24(3), 1044–1056. https://doi.org/10.1002/capr.12780
Earnshaw, V. A., Reed, N. M., Watson, R. J., Maksut, J. L., Allen, A. M., & Eaton, L. A. (2019). Intersectional internalised stigma among Black gay and bisexual men: A longitudinal analysis spanning HIV/sexually transmitted infection diagnosis. Journal of Health Psychology, 26(3), 465–476. https://doi.org/10.1177/1359105318820101
English, D., Rendina, H. J., & Parsons, J. T. (2018). The effects of intersecting stigma: A longitudinal examination of minority stress, mental health, and substance use among Black, Latino, and multiracial gay and bisexual men. Psychology of Violence, 8(6), 669–679. https://doi.org/10.1037/vio0000218
Fields, E., Morgan, A., & Sanders, R. A. (2016). The Intersection of Sociocultural Factors and Health-Related Behaviour in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth. Pediatric Clinics of North America, 63(6), 1091–1106. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pcl.2016.07.009
Graham, L. F., Aronson, R. E., Nichols, T., Stephens, C. F., & Rhodes, S. D. (2011). Factors Influencing Depression and Anxiety among Black Sexual Minority Men. Depression Research and Treatment, 2011, 1–9. https://doi.org/10.1155/2011/587984
McDavitt, B., Iverson, E., Kubicek, K., Weiss, G., Wong, C. F., & Kipke, M. D. (2008). Strategies Used by Gay and Bisexual Young Men to Cope With Heterosexism. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 20(4), 354–380. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538720802310741
Quinn, K., Bowleg, L., & Dickson-Gomez, J. (2019). “The fear of being Black plus the fear of being gay”: The effects of intersectional stigma on PrEP use among young Black gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex with men. Social Science & Medicine, 232, 86–93. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2019.04.042
Rose, B., & Brown, E. (2022). Healing Through Authentic Connection: Utilising Relational Cultural Therapy With Black Gay Men. Journal of LGBTQ Issues in Counselling, 16(4), 406–421. https://doi.org/10.1080/26924951.2022.2067284
The Trevor Project. (2022). 2022 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health. The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2022/
Yang, Y., Song, Y., Lu, Y., Xu, Y., Liu, L., & Liu, X. (2019). Associations between erectile dysfunction and psychological disorders (depression and anxiety): A cross‐sectional study in a Chinese population. Andrologia. https://doi.org/10.1111/and.13395