Ageing is a universal experience, but how we navigate it can vary dramatically based on our identities and societal expectations.
Have you ever wondered why some men embrace getting older with confidence, while others struggle with feelings of invisibility or loss?
This article explores the cultural differences in how straight and gay men age, focusing on self-worth, body image, and life milestones.
Drawing on psychological research, cultural insights, and personal stories, we’ll uncover why these paths diverge and what it means for emotional well-being. Whether you’re reflecting on your own journey or supporting a loved one, understanding these dynamics can foster empathy and healthier ageing for all men.
Please Note: This feature isn’t about pitting groups against each other but about highlighting how culture and society shape our experiences of growing older.
1. Some straight men have a ‘cushion’ for ageing that gay men do not:
Society often presents heterosexual men with clearer, socially recognised life scripts or milestones — marriage, fatherhood, a steady career — that can turn ageing into a marker of earned status and success. This spin can soften the emotional burden of ageing by interpreting visible signs of maturity (greying hair, lower energy) as proof of responsibility and achievement.
Research has shown how many straight men replace declining physical appeal with growing social capital from family and career achievements, thereby maintaining or even amplifying self-worth (Hurd, 2017)3.
This pattern is, however, not universal, shaped by class, race, geography, and other structural factors. Evolving gender roles also mean fewer men follow traditional pathways, and those changes can create challenges that resemble the experiences of some gay men.
Some straight men may also experience unique hardship, interrupted careers, or family breakdowns that can undermine the “ageing as achievement” narrative.
Relatable personal story:
John is a 55-year-old straight man whose story reflects that of many others. In his 30s, he felt lost after a career setback, but getting married and building a family changed everything. “Watching my kids grow and rely on me gave me a purpose I never had in my youth,” he shared in a Reddit thread about men starting over.
As his grey hairs appeared, his promotions at work and milestones like his daughter’s wedding boosted his confidence, cushioning the impact of noticing signs of ageing.
“Ageing? It’s just another chapter where I feel more like the hero,” John reflected.
Why ageing gay men worry more about their bodies and appearance:
Compared to straight men, gay men have often lacked the same cultural scripts and structures (marriage, children, career, etc), so many have placed greater weight on physical appearance as a primary source of social validation.
Cultural and historical factors have moulded a unique community for gay people where youth and attractiveness often become primary sources of self-worth.
- Exclusion from Traditional Paths: Until recently, and still only in very few places, marriage and fatherhood were largely inaccessible to gay men due to legal and social barriers. Without these milestones to rely on for lasting self-worth, many gay men have had to forge alternative measures.
- Youth-Centred Culture: The gay scene—bars, clubs, apps—often prioritises physical allure, influenced by media that glorify young, fit bodies. This can make ageing feel like a loss of status, as the community has historically valued sexual potency and appearance above most, if not all, things.
- Appearance as Currency: Research shows that gay men often place greater importance on appearance and tie more of their self-worth to how they look (Budge et al., 2022)1.
- Lack of Ageing Role Models: The AIDS epidemic in the 1980s and 1990s decimated a generation of older gay men, creating a “missing generation” of mentors. This loss reinforced a youth-centric focus, leaving many without examples of graceful ageing within the community.
Relatable personal story:
Carlos is a 38-year-old Latino gay man living with HIV whose story captures this struggle. In a Medium article, he writes about how his gym-sculpted body became his shield against stigma, but ageing brought waves of insecurity.
“I built this body to feel desired, but now wrinkles and fatigue make me question my place in the community,” he confessed.
Having survived the shadows of AIDS, Carlos grapples with body dysmorphia, feeling invisible in a youth-obsessed scene. Yet, he’s finding solace in advocating for “everyday bodies,” turning pain into purpose. His vulnerability highlights the emotional cost when appearance is the main marker of worth or value.
Another heartbreaking narrative comes from AIDS survivors in San Francisco. One man, profiled in the Chronicle, lost friends and mentors to the epidemic, leaving him to age without guidance.
“I survived HIV, but now at 60, I feel like an outsider in my own community—too old to be desirable, too scarred to fit in,” he shared.
The grief from the “missing generation” amplifies his isolation, but community support groups offer hope, showing resilience amid loss. It’s a poignant reminder of how cultural voids can intensify the challenges of ageing.
Gay men in other locations:
Kwame is 62, moved from Accra to Lagos for work in his thirties, and now mentors younger queer writers remotely across West Africa. He remembers losing friends in the 1980s and how secrecy shaped relationships, yet he also benefits from steady family land ownership that allowed him to retire early. His ageing priorities are cultural continuity and dignity: teaching younger men to archive oral histories, finding privacy-safe ways to host small, queer workshops, and pushing for healthcare discussions that respect local norms.
Kwame’s experience shows that gay men age within the realities of their own histories, laws, and personal assets—so there is no single “gay ageing script” that applies to everybody.
Further Realities of Gay Ageing
Studies link minority stress and discrimination to poorer mental health and elevated appearance investment among sexual‑minority men—gay, bi, queer men. This situation is often driven by muscularity ideals (Frost and Meyer, 2023)3.
Showing resilience remains effective in combating these issues. Some gay men find strength and community through adversity, including overcoming the AIDS crisis, which can foster positive ageing.
Minority Stress may be causing some gay men to age faster:
One study found that gay men had significantly shorter age-adjusted telomere length (TL) compared to straight men. Telomere length is widely accepted as a biomarker for cellular and biological ageing (Rivera et al., 2024)5.
Other studies have also linked accelerated ageing in gay men to minority stress—the constant pressure of dealing with stigma and discrimination. When the body is in constant “stress mode” (minority stress causes chronic stress response), it produces higher levels of stress hormones like cortisol, which, over time, can wear down the immune system and make the person more vulnerable to health problems. Combined with cultural pressures around staying youthful, this can make ageing feel harder and happen faster for many gay men than when compared to straight peers (Rivera et al., 20245; Frost and Meyer, 2023)3.
Bridging the Gap: Toward Healthier Ageing for All Men
The disparity between how straight and gay men experience ageing mostly boils down to social capital: Straight men often exchange physical youth for family and career gains, while gay men may hold on to their appearance longer due to cultural and historical gaps.
But with the legalisation of same-sex marriage and more visible older gay role models, new paths for ageing are emerging.
As straight men often shift their self-worth toward relationships and work, it has become crucial for many gay men to build alternative sources of meaning—e.g., through mentorship, activism, chosen family, or a broader sense of beauty—to age with confidence and connection.
The DNB Stories Africa Ageing Manifesto for Queer Men
| Point | Tip | Description | Action Steps |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Build Diverse Worth | Cultivate rewarding hobbies/chosen-family ties so worth isn’t tied to youth or appearance. | Identify 2–3 weekly hobbies; join an LGBTQ+ book club; nurture chosen-family connections. |
| 2 | Queer‑Sensitive Mental Health | Use therapy and peer support to address minority stress, body-image and ageing anxieties. | Book an LGBTQ+-affirming therapy session; 10 min daily mindfulness; join queer support groups. |
| 3 | Examine Cultural Influences | Reflect on intersectional norms shaping ageing and actively resist negative stereotypes. | Read queer voices or blogs; join a discussion group; counter stereotypes on social media. |
| 4 | Holistic Physical and Sexual Health | Maintain mobility, energy and sexual health through movement, nutrition and screenings. | 30 min walk, 5×/week; consult a queer-friendly clinician; schedule sexual-health checks. |
| 5 | Intergenerational Connection | Build reciprocal links with younger queer men to share wisdom and reduce age segregation. | Volunteer as a mentor; host or join intergenerational events; model care and consent. |
| 6 | Share Your Story | Practice vulnerable leadership by telling your story and building inclusive spaces. | Write or record a personal story for sharing; run/attend a meetup on ageing; help create safe spaces. |
Rewarding hobbies benefit gay men by reducing stress and creating a sense of accomplishment and opportunities for creative expression, and social connection. E.g.:
dnbstories.com 🌹
Creative arts: painting, writing, photography — boost self‑expression and meaning.
Hands‑on crafts: cooking, gardening, DIY — provide focus, practical results, and tactile calm.
Physical pursuits: walking, hiking, weight training, dance — improve mood, energy, and body confidence.
Skill learning: playing an instrument, studying a language, coding — build mastery and long‑term achievement.
Social hobbies: group classes, book clubs, team sports — expand connection and belonging.
Share your thoughts in the comments: how has culture influenced the way you think about ageing?
Daniel Nkado is a Nigerian writer, editor, and author best known as the founder of DNB Stories Africa, a digital platform covering Black stories, lifestyle, and queer culture.
References
- Budge, S. L., Adelson, J. L., & Howard, K. A. S. (2022). Body image and self-esteem among gay men: The role of appearance ideals. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 23(1), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.1037/men0000337
- dnbstories.com (2025, November 14). Why gay men fear ageing — And how we can rewrite the story 🖤❤️ – DNB Stories Africa. DNB Stories Africa. https://dnbstories.com/2025/11/why-gay-men-fear-ageing.html
- Frost, D. M., & Meyer, I. H. (2023). Minority stress theory: Application, critique, and continued relevance. Current Opinion in Psychology, 51, 101579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101579
- Hurd, M. D. (2017). Ageing and the American family: From youth to middle age and beyond. The Journal of Ageing & Social Policy, 29(3), 249-261. https://doi.org/10.1080/08959420.2017.1317354
- Rivera, A. S., Chao, C. R., & Hechter, R. C. (2024). Disparities in Telomere length by Sexual Orientation in Adults from the Genetic Epidemiology Research on Aging Cohort. American Journal of Epidemiology. https://doi.org/10.1093/aje/kwae352
