Tales from Gloria: What Happened that Night

My name is Gloria.

I am currently in the hospital so I can’t talk much.

Fortunately I can type, so here is what happened that night, and why I came to be here.

You see, my boyfriend is a typical Naija guy. In fact his own pay-as-you-chop character is something else.

And if you don’t know what I’m talking about yet, let me tell you.

Once Iyke offers to take you out or buys you a little nice gift, know that he has discovered a new sex adventure he’d like to try with me.

He reads them in the magazines and online blogs.

Iyke is very sexually adventurous.

Before you start judging and asking me why I still stuck round with him, I am a 29 year-old woman and the first child of my parents.

My immediate younger sister has two kids already and guess what? Our last born is engaged too and she is only 22. Iyke has never mentioned marriage since we started dating in 2008 (that’s over 5 years now) but he has stayed faithful, at least.

Don’t think it is so wrong for me to keep hoping, and praying.

He always talks about how he needed a new job that would enable him plan his life well, as well as he wanted it.

I pray that this happens soon for him too, and that I am part of that plan.

Now back to the story.

The afternoon of that night, Iyke called and asked me to meet him at Tantalizers after work.

I was 30 minutes late but Iyke had waited patiently for me.

Quite unlike him really.

He asked me to feel free and order for whatever I want.


I shook my head. ‘What do you want us to do this time?’ I asked him.

‘C’mon Babes, can’t I just take my baby out?’

‘Start talking!’

He nearly jolted at my voice and I took in a small lump of satisfaction. ‘I’m waiting,’ I reminded him.

He shrugged, shaking his head. ‘Actually nothing.’


‘Okay here is the thing, I am not saying anything here. I will tell you when we get home and if you are not okay with it fine. God knows I have never forced you to do anything with me.’


He was right though.

He never forced me to take the sexual adventures with him, not physically at least. Other ways I am not sure.

And I was sure he was going to utilize those other methods that night too, so I knew what I had to do. ‘I am not going home with you,’ I said, making sure that my voice came out strong enough.

‘C’mon Glo, it’s Friday.’

‘MTN, no!’

Iyke shortens my name to Glo to tease me and I retaliate by calling him MTN.

He watched in hopeless silence while I enjoyed my chicken in sweet peace.

I didn’t care. Not until I heard, ‘I’m going to just go hang out with Joe then.’

Wait Joe is in town.

The well-browned chicken lap halted halfway to my mouth. No. No way. I dropped it back into the plate.

You see, that Joe guy is a pimp. An international whore monger. He will just pimp my man up and hell no, no way I’m allowing that. Not after all I’ve put into this relationship.

‘I will follow you,’ I said.


‘I said I will follow you home, now will you allow me enjoy this chicken?’

‘Oh sure. Should I get you more?’

I scowled at Iyke. ‘Yes, you can buy me the whole batch.’

Iyke lived in a single-bedroom flat in Aguda. Small but comfortable though. At least there is a nice high mattress, a flat-screen TV, there is DSTV too, even though he has not recharged it since last year.

I had showered and changed into my gown when Iyke told me what he wanted us to try.

He called it acrobatic sex. Acrobatic kama sutra!

He was supposed to lift me fully into the air. Facing front with my hands firm around his neck and legs curled behind him, he would be pumping from behind.

Sounds cool huh.


Wait till you hear I weigh 180 pounds!

With some dots of scruple still, I finally agreed to take this one last adventure with my man.

Being truthful, these adventurous exploits always brought a refreshing spicing to our relationship.

For a period of time, we would feel like we were just starting anew.

But that night, it didn’t work out well as usual, like the day we tried fruit and flavour sex or sex and hide.

As Iyke lifted my naked self up, his huge organ fully charged and slicing at the air, I didn’t move around quickly and accurately enough to grab his neck and that was how I slipped off him and landed on the tiled floor.

I would have told you guys more, but my sprained neck has started to hurt and I’m going to lie back down to the bed and wait for a nurse.

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