by Staff writer
Farting in public can be a really sweet experience, but to do it safely and not get caught requires exceptional skill and calculation.
Following the guideline below will ensure you enjoyed your thing and yet spared the devastating embarrassment of getting caught.
1. First things first, observe the direction of the wind.
If there is a working fan, be sure to stay behind it. If it is a closed space with a working AC, better. Unlike the fan that will distribute your fart quickly and in all direction, the AC works slowly, giving you enough time to adjust.
Please to avoid casualties due to suffocation, do not fart in a poorly ventilated room without an AC or fan.
Also be sure that the person sitting closest to you is not asthmatic, or has any other serious respiratory condition.
2. Once you have detected the direction of the wind, re-position yourself to face it.
Now slowly and elegantly cross your legs. You can do this more than once [but not too many] to be sure you have created enough internal space.
3. You are now ready to execute. Try to buy a little more time till the hall becomes noisy or when people start clapping.
This is especially important because you might not know if the fart is the explosive type that makes a lot of noise. Smooth and silent fart is most suitable for public execution.
4. Now carefully uncross and re-cross your legs again, right over left.
Again, be sure you have enough space between the inside of your legs. Now elevate the right hip. Do this very gently and make sure your eyes and face are focused to the front or on the speaker. You can also pretend to be taking some notes.
5. It’s execution time.
Release a small quantity first. This is soundcheck. If no sound, allow the fart to flow free and steady. If there is sound, check to be sure there is enough disturbance or noise in the room to neutralize the farting sound.
Don’t ever release a noisy fart in a very quiet room.
6. Allow time for proper circulation
How to comport yourself afterwards:
a. Make sure you are not the first person to complain.
b. If people start shouting or cursing, join them but be in the middle. Keep your nose very wrinkled and appear to be very upset.
c. Do not start shouting more than everybody, otherwise you will become the prime suspect.
d. If you have another dose to share, stylishly relocate to another spot before execution. Do not release twice from one location or you will give yourself away.
And be sure you have allowed adequate time between the first and second execution.
Good luck. Share your fart experiences in the comments below.