by Mr Raul
Every time I go after something that I want or something that will make me happy, it falls apart and blows up in my face.
4 years ago, I had a fantastic full-time job.
Then our manager left. A new one came in and fired everyone just to get his own people in there. Girlfriends all eventually leave me. Everything falls apart when it comes to me.
I see friends who have it easy, who just are able to live life happy and have these things that make them happy. Why not me? How come my life has to be so goddamned hard?
I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of not being allowed to have a life. Every time I try, shit falls to pieces. Every f*cking time!
I have about a month left in this house I’m living in. I have no idea what I’m going to do come September when my rent expires.
I have no job. No car. I owe about 200 bucks in order to get my license back. My lower back is in constant pain to the point where I’m never comfortable.
It doesn’t matter whether I’m sitting down or lying down, I’m just never comfortable.
It makes it hard to stand up straight and makes my legs feel wobbly. Like even my fucking body is broken. Everything in my life is broken and has been for a very long time.
Any time I’ve tried to make it better it just gets worse. Like I’m fucking cursed. I’m so goddamn sick of it. I’m sick of the heartbreak and I’m sick of the struggle.
And I don’t know what’s going to happen in September. All I know is that there is only one solution I’ve been thinking of and it kinda scares the shit out of me because it seems so real this time.
It feels like realistically my only option. I’m sick of being broken and leading a broken life. I’m 30 fucking years old.
Everything has blown up in my face and I’ve just failed and failed and failed and failed and failed.
And I’m really done with it all. I need a good positive change like now or I really don’t see a future for myself. I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to be homeless, I’ll tell you that right now.
Life feels so fucking unfair. Like why me? This is my one and only life, how come it had to be so fucked up?
I was piss poor growing up. Literally lived in a basement. My family fought and yelled and bickered constantly. It was a weird feeling when I was a late teenager and realized that constant fighting is not the norm.
My dad used to beat my mom and me. Most families get along and seem like they like each other. I did good in high school. Got into film school which was my dream. I went with my best friend, who ended up fucking me over on my final film project.
We aren’t friends anymore. My first girlfriend cheated and lied on me until I caught her doing coke with her cousin and the guy she was cheating on me with.
My college fucked up after my second year and wouldn’t let me start classes due to their own error.
I had to meet with the dean and everything and he wrote me a note saying all of my financial aid could be pushed to next semester and I would just have to start classes then.
I tried to and I got the same fuck-up and couldn’t go back to school. I got aggravated and decided to just take a year off. Like why the fuck did that error have to happen to me?
I then got an awesome full-time job that I loved. I worked it for 4 years until like I said, me and my fellow employees all got fired. I’ve basically only had part-time jobs ever since.
My last girlfriend left me and I fell into a deep depression.
My friends joke about my terrible luck. How nothing goes right for me. And it doesn’t. Like ever. I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of everything being just a little harder for me than everyone else.
I’m sick of struggling. I’m sick of it all.
I just want to cry. I don’t want to keep doing this and I don’t want to be around anymore. It’s not fucking fair!
I don’t fucking get it. I hate it. And now I’m backed into a corner with no other options. I had so many dreams and hopes and things I wanted to do but it’s all bullshit and it’s never going to happen.
I’m going to be fucking homeless next month and I have nothing I can do to prevent that.
I’m so sick of life and this fucked-up world and everything just going fucking wrong for me.
It sucks. I try being a good person but that doesn’t matter for shit.
There is no just God.
There is no Karma.
There is only just a cruel, cold, chaotic world that doesn’t give a fuck and I’m beginning to wish I’d never been born into it.
F*ck this place!