by Dr Mrs Blessing H. E
I am new here. My friend, Angie, told me about this site. I was in fact talking to her about this problem when she said, ‘Why not send this to DNB Stories instead? I’m sure you will get good advice there because they have mature audience.’
I had shaken my head and said no. I don’t really like sharing my stories online anymore. Once, I opened a post on Nairaland about a problem my husband and I were facing at a time and the first line of comments I got were all jokes.
Then someone started to abuse me. At the end, I found myself feeling sadder than I had earlier been.
But my friend sounded rather convincing so I decided to give it a try.
About two years after my wedding, my husband’s younger brother came to live with us.
He should be about 27, the last born of the house.
Then, he was supposed to attend an interview with a company but later discovered it was fake. But he didn’t go back. That was how he started staying with us.
Personally, I am a very private person. My husband knows this. He too cherishes his privacy too. I think that’s one of the things we have in common.
I would say the first few months his younger brother stayed were cool. I had no reason to complain. He assisted my maid in getting things done.
He helps out with technical things like the generator and inverter and the likes when my husband is away or returned late.
There was a morning I came out to find him washing my car. I didn’t like it because I didn’t want to appear bossy and all that. Besides, we have someone paid to do that already so there was really no need.
While returning in the evening, I got him a new shirt as a sign of appreciation.
That same weekend, I was still sleeping in my room when he drove off with the car. When he returned in the evening, I asked him where and why he’d taken the car without telling me.
He said nothing. He just stood there with his head bent, until his brother asked him to go away.
Some weeks later, I came home on a Friday evening to find two strange faces in the house. He said they were his friends. His music friends. Boys with dreadlocks and pierced ears.
I later discovered he was turning one of the rooms at the back of the house into a music studio.
It was the night my husband and I called him to talk to him that he blurted out, ‘I need 500K to set up myself!’
‘Are you serious?’ I asked him.
He hissed at me and said I should mind my business whenever he is talking with his brother.
In anger, I rose. He was muttering other things but I was gone by then.
In the morning, he greeted me and said, ‘Brother said I should apologize to you.’
I told him there was no need, that he should be getting prepared to leave. I told him I do not want someone to come and make me uncomfortable in my own home.
He went on to organize a family raid against me.
That evening, their eldest sister called and was shouting. She said it was their mother that asked her to call.
He is their last born and he is using that influence to gain his way through. He was spoilt by his mum and older siblings.
Later that night, my husband went all out on him and he apologized.
Now nobody is mentioning about his leaving again and his brother had asked him to bring up something he’d want to do, but not music.
He is not even that good a singer.
Now he just sees me and murmur good morning with a hard face. I feel so uncomfortable with his presence.
It’s even affecting me at work. I do not know if in should apologize to him, if I needed to.
I just hate the tension.
DNB Mamas and Papas, over to you!
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U don't Av to apologize to him. Like u said he is spoilt.
I would say u just leave him and his broda. Make sure ur things or anything dat will affect u is out of his reach. Act like a mother to him. Attend to his needs if he ask, do wat comes to ur mind for him.
cos since he has started a family raid with will directly affect ur marriage. Show him love, don't let it b obvious he is hurting. Tell God to touch his heart. He will sure see reasons.
I hop my little contribution help. Ciao!
Forgive my error in the first post.
don't let it b obvious he is hurting u. I no it is hard pls try.
Seriously, to me i don't see the big deal to apologise.With what u said he is at fault, but for peace to reign, esp since he already started a battle with u and keep malice.The thing is that once ur husband's family turns against u, it's only by the grace of god u won't av issues with ur husband.One tin i ws able to get frm ur story again iz that he is nt actually a bad person, atleast he helps at home. His behaviour might be due to peer influence or u offend him and u are nt aware. I tink u should loosen up a bit with him like crack jokes and the likes. You should also try to endure is attitudes, he iz 27, nxt 2to3 yrs he will get married that means he won't leave with u forever. In my own opinion, apart from where u metioned that he iz spoilt, if u study him more, and gets to no him, he might nt be that worse lyk u painted him, he may be a nice fellow…
About ur nairaland experince nt surprised. that forum iz filled with people of low IQ..
I wonder why someone that's 27 is even comfortable with being a liability to someone else?
Biko ma'am there's nuffin to apologise to him for…if you apologise prepare to harbour him all his life,cos that means you are implying he's right and whatever he does is okay.
Nma's Blog
My dear,if I say I don't understand wat u r passing through then consider me a liar. Don't think of apologizing cos it's a sign of weakness,rather talk some sense into him. I believe in dialogue,it matters a lot. Learn to endure n ignore some things cos even our own blood siblings do some annoying things n we do let go. U r lucky enough dat u re nt a full time hux wife so u won't be spending much time with him. Don't go about complaining to ur hubby dat he did dis n dat cos one day he ll b tired of hearing it n den blame u for nt tolerating his family. Am sure u can't handle dat. If ur hubby is financially able let him start up Sumtin for him so he can be busy with his life n probably if he's successful it will be ur profit cos he ll find his own hux n allow u to enjoy ur privacy.
UJU you said it all. No apologies biko. Apologize for what kwan. Trust me, if I'm in your shoes he 4 done pack teytey. Thank God my husband doesn't even feel comfortable having his siblings around not to talk of me. They are always a disaster. I believe in marrying one man one woman and not the entire family. That sister that called to shout is a fool. I'm sure she is obviously not married otherwise she would have known that every needs to keep her home. Mtcheew…so vexing for that boy now.
Seriously ehn nairaland? Smh. Is something else jawe
Vexing won't help. Wrong done right a wrong. In this issue caution is required. Wen an issue happens, if we are to react d way it comes it can b disastrous.
This is my first time to comment here. I say this story is sensitive and requires caution because it has a direct effect on your relationship with your husband and his family. If you can set him up please try to do that and get him off your back. i don't know how you and your hubby relate but if you can also have a heart to heart talk with him about the brother leaving it might help. Just don't paint him black while you are at it. Exercise caution and wisdom because it's easy for you to look like yhe monster. Also pray for peace in your storm. You will get through it
I dintend have much to say my advice is pls and old dint beg him,if you do u will always beg him for the rest of your life.he can never change.all I will say is be nice to him and the rest.treat him like a child.ignore his tantrums.I am from a very large family and I know how wicked my aunties are.if you beg him peren.they will always treat you as they like.pls God will give you wisdom till he leave your place.avoid aby confrontations.don't leave your car keys where he can see them.be yourself.be happy.awon molebi radarada sef.don't forget no matter what you,don't echange words with him.the Lord is your strength.
Dr dear, there is no need to beg him but there is a need to have a heart to heart discussion. Call him one evening and discuss with him. Give him reasons why you think he should not go into music, let him know you felt bad about him going to report you to his elder sister, that you have no ill feelings towards him. Since you are working and your hubby to. From your story you sound relatively comfortable. Try and raise money and give him to stand on his own. He will thank you for that. Don't have in your mind that he should go from your house. Try and give him a net and not the fish and you just might have a friend in your in law. Wish you all the best dear. Hugs. Please let us know how it goes.
Been tryin to drop a comment since yesterday and i could not. Must i always need a desktop to drop a comment?
I want to really thank evryone that bothered to reply. i must say that i feel much better already.
I have discussed with my husband. We are going to call him and ask him what he really wanted to do.
@Mhizblizz, yes, he is really not a bad person just that he is spoilt and experiencing the new side of life for the first time. Typical of most lastborns, he is slow to mature.
At his age his brother has had his first promotion.
Thanks once again to everyone, i feel really excited all the replies are akin.
Thanks to Angie Sis for telling me about DNb
Thanks to the blog owners for posting my story. I will forever remain grateful.
Mrs Blessing
Be very cautious on this matter.Make sure that you sit your husband down and have very serious talk.don't let them buy your husband over because he may think that you are trying to separate him from his family! work on your man first and be gentle on your brother in-law! If possible,settle him off financially.
I think you should discuss with him and let him know how you feel about his behaviour, if he listens, good but if not just ignore him and move on with your life. Also encourage your hubby to set him up if he's able, at least that will occupy him most times.
Please you need to talk with your husband seriously! not in anger but with love and a stern face (or whatever face that shows seriousness with hubby). He needs to understand your home is ur happiness place, i cant imagine how much u dread going home!. am all for siblings coming to spend the holidays but the and come stay no way!. Parents should take care of thier children. but alas 27 years old is a grown ass man; he should stand on his feet; rent a house (it can be face me i face u ehen ur brother's wealth is not yours he needs to start from somewhere) and look for a job and do something. The more u pamper him the harder it is for him to stand as a man. what if he didnt have a brother nko ehen what will happen will he die! i tell my younger ones all the time we where are given equal education you need to stand on ur on 2 feets when i see u trying i can come in and help but if u are lying down i will help u cover the cloth well well! like seriously how long can u baby him! okay lets assume you give him the 500k for music… he tries and fails for 3 years then he is 30!. he impregnates a girl and then the girl and baby need a home….. all road leads to big brthers house. Please madam dont start what you cant finish… the reason am ranting like this is because my best friend went through hell with layabout inlaws….. husband's older divorced sister with 2 kids elder brother's wife, younger sister and brother to crown it all mother inlaw. it all started with one sibling and one bag and today her formally comfortable 5 bedroom mansion has turned into her prison of unhappiness…. dont get me wrong its not the inlaws fault that they step on the wife toe and vice versa! u need to understand these people are coming from different backgrounds with different idealogies hence the friction. its bad enough you and hubby will have friction having 3rd parties that added lubrication is just frustrating. To end this my long rant me and hubby have agreed only holidays both parties.
Blessing good to know things are looking up. You are doing the correct thing. Well done.
Madam d best thing is for u n ur husband to have a one on one conversation bout family members n u tel him u re nt comfortable with ur brother in law presence..that if e really wants to stay e must tender an apology to u..u needn't apologize to him cos u re nt at fault so pls don't feel guilty..he lacks hone training been d last born ain't an excuse to b wayward u re d woman b submissive to only ur husband nt his family..
Thanks so much June. I appreciate this
My sister. I feel you. Nobody can jeep you unhappy unless you let him. Find ways to keep yourself happy ALAWYS! DO NOT apologize!: U did nothing wrong. Stay aloof about issues concerning him but be VERY CIVIL in your interactions with him. Within a reasonable limit let your husband assist his brother. Don't object. More importantly pray so that God will bless him and he will move out. Hang in there! Be strong!
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