by Mr Steve B.
11 May 2016:
This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it.
I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but it never did.
I am 31 and have been married for 5 years now. I have two children but have been attracted to men since I was 11 years old.
Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.
Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it’s my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.
I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years.
And then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.
My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can’t begin to imagine the devastating impact it’d be on everyone if I came out.
The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children.
I love them all so much and don’t want to hurt them. I can’t see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.
I will most likely remain miserable but I don’t think I will be happy if I come out either.
It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life.
I don’t see a solution at all.
I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to families. I see a family as a mum, a dad and kids. I believe in kids having a man and a woman as their parents. That is how I was brought up and they are the values my family have instilled in me — I guess.
I don’t have anything against same-sex couples having kids but it just seems unfair on the kids to me. I worry about them getting teased and bullied by other kids. School children can be very cruel…especially when it comes to homosexuality.
My boys are still very young (1 and 4) at the moment. So it won’t mean anything to them for quite some time but it is still something I have thought a lot about.
With the boys so young I can’t bring myself to end my marriage right now. I really don’t think my wife would cope on her own (and neither would I).
In the same sense, I am also aware that it is unhealthy for us to remain together just because it is easier.
I worry about all of these things.
12 May 2016:
My depression started around 2012 when my first son was born.
I have found it very difficult adapting to having children.
I am constantly tired, irritable, lethargic and have lost interest in most things. I think about death and dying a lot and feel like I have nothing to look forward to.
As I have mentioned in other posts, my life has become dull, boring and monotonous. I am going through the emotions and am existing rather than living.
My relationship with my wife is not what it used to be. We are like friends rather than lovers.
We don’t talk like we used to. Our sex life is limited. My sexuality probably has a lot to do with that.
Strangely enough my wife knows that I am attracted to men but doesn’t take it seriously. She thinks it’s just a weird kinky thing.
I told her years ago when I found her reading an old diary of mine. I was furious she invaded my privacy and ended up telling her because she wanted to know what was in there.
It’s just so complicated and I hope I am making sense and not rambling on..
12 May 2016:
I do have a GP and am on an antidepressants, but I don’t think it is doing very much. I’m thinking of coming off it.
Might try and find a new doctor as my current one keeps brushing me off.
Having children is a huge change for me and I’m not sure I was ready for it. Given that I feel like I would be more suited to a same-sex relationship I probably shouldn’t have had kids.
This could be very confusing for them down the track if I do eventually come out or end my marriage.
But I love them dearly and still believe I can be a good father if they want me.
27 May 2016:
Hi again everyone.
I came close to telling my wife that I am gay last night but I couldn’t do it.
She was upset and saying she wasn’t coping and isn’t happy. It wasn’t the right time to spring this on her but when will be?
I told her that I had been thinking about us separating because we have both been unhappy for a long time. She got really upset and said that won’t help.
She said it’d make things worse. I know she is scared of me not being there to help.
I really am stuck now. If I bring up my sexuality now, it’s going to look like an excuse to leave and she won’t believe me.
I know that.
29 May 2016:
I finally told my wife that I think I’m gay last night.
I was so nervous but she knew something was wrong and got it out of me. She initially thought I was having an affair with another woman.
I told her she couldn’t be more wrong.
She didn’t say a lot. I think she was shocked and saddened. She asked what does this mean for us?
I told her I don’t know at the moment. And that is the truth.
I have no idea what I am going to do. I’m seeing a counselor in 2 weeks and am hoping to start working it all out.
I am confused and really worried how it will turn out.
Wow…what a horrible two days it has been. There has been lots of crying and questions from my wife.
And some crying from me too.
Yesterday we both felt sick to our stomach and couldn’t eat. I felt like I wanted to be sick all day. It’s the nerves and worry.
5 June 2016:
Things haven’t gotten any easier the last few days.
Everything is still really confusing and scary. I am no closer to deciding what to do. Do I leave or do I stay?
I am booked in to see a psychologist on Wednesday and am hoping that he can help me get my head straight and assist me to make a decision about what I should do.
I have a good GP that I have been seeing for quite a few years but I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with her.
She has been my wife’s GP her entire life and known her a lot longer than me. I have a feeling she will lecture me and side with my wife. She will also tell me I should stay on my antidepressant but I have started coming off it.
My wife offended me last night by making a lot of derogatory remarks about gay men and how disgusting she thinks it is.
I want to save my marriage but I just can’t see it lasting at the moment and it is devastating for me.
I feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I am now questioning whether this is worth losing my wife, kids, family and house over.
It is all so overwhelming….
5 June 2016:
My wife is disgusted by men having sex with other men and said she doesn’t want me looking at porn or thinking about men anymore if we are to save our marriage.
She wants a guarantee from me. I told her I can’t guarantee anything at this stage. She seems to think it’s just a sexual fantasy of mine and that I am really not gay because I don’t fit the mold.
She is going by the stereotype of gay men being feminine and into cross dressing and stuff. I told her just because I’m not into that stuff doesn’t mean I’m not gay.
It is confusing though because I’m not sure I want a relationship with a man but I do want the sex side.
But maybe that is because I have never really been in love with a man before. All this stuff is so confusing to me…
9 June 2016:
I had the appointment with the psychologist yesterday.
It was helpful in a sense, but I think I scared the hell out of the psychologist and he felt a bit out of his element with my situation.
He looked lost for words at times and said he has homework to do and may need to refer me on to a specialist in this area.
I appreciate his honesty but feel a bit disappointed too. My wife and I saw him last year when we were struggling and he was really good, but I think the situation is super tricky now.
It was good having someone to listen while I explained everything.
Getting it all off my chest with someone neutral was great. I am seeing him again next week and my wife will be coming along too.
The other day my wife absolutely exploded at me. She was very angry and tearful and said that I have ruined her life and that she wishes she never met me.
Much to my dismay she has also said that if we split up she wants nothing to do with me again.
No friendship or an amicable relationship where we can see each other and share the boys.
I am devastated by this and it makes it so much harder for me to make this decision. I hoped that we could remain really good friends and share the boys like a friend I know had done.
This is all still very raw. I am hoping things settle down soon.
As for coming off my tablets I know this is probably not a good time but I hate taking them and don’t think I need them anymore.
There have been some unpleasant side effects such as jaw clenching which has caused me a lot of pain and dental issues.
19 June 2016:
Things are horrible at the moment. I’m surviving but I feel like the worst husband and father on the planet.
I am putting my wife through so much pain and she doesn’t deserve it. I love her dearly. We have been fighting a lot.
I am still so torn and confused. I have accepted that I am gay but how can I just walk out on everyone that is important to me?
My wife and 2 boys are my 3 favorite people in the world and I just can’t lose them. So I just keep saying pull yourself together and get over it.
The second counseling session with the psychologist wasn’t helpful either. He saw my wife and I separately. Her for 45 minutes and me for about 15.
I can’t say it really achieved anything.
I am devastated but cannot cry.
My wife thinks I don’t care about what is happening because I haven’t cried.
I told her I can’t. I am numb.
I don’t know what I am doing anymore.
25 June 2016:
What a week it has been. Undoubtedly the hardest week of my life.
It doesn’t seem real at the moment. I am still wondering if I have made the right decision. I guess time will tell.
On Thursday my wife and I made the decision to separate.
I have moved out and come out to my parents and my sister too.
My wife has also told her parents and some of our friends.
I must say I am really surprised by how supportive my parents have been! Telling them was the most terrifying moment of my life.
Their reaction was not what I expected. They have been great and told me they still love me no matter what and that I should have come out years ago. I wish I had now.
I miss my two sons like crazy.
Being apart from them is by far the hardest part of all of this. I also miss my gorgeous wife and feel awful about the pain she is going through at the moment.
I am hoping that things will get a little bit easier in time, but I know we still have a long way to go.
There is a lot I could write but I will keep in touch and let you know how it is all going again soon.
The writer of this diary asked to remain anonymous.