by Daniel Nkado
There’s just too many questions people have asked concerning how jealousy relates to love.
Some have asked if jealousy is a sign of love, others, if jealousy is healthy or toxic in a relationship, among many other queries.
First of all, the jealousy being discussed in this post is as defined as “the feeling of being unhappy because it looks like someone you love is interested in someone else.”
There is another definition of jealousy that is more closely related to envy (angry because someone has something that you want) – this is not the jealousy being discussed.
You may refer to this Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s piece on “Jealousy vs Envy“.
When you love someone, it is normal to find yourself being out of control in many areas. Because love easily erodes reasoning, many times, when you are in love it appears your head has suddenly taken a vacation.
Forget all those YouTube videos from self-acclaimed relationship experts claiming they have cracked the code of love and dating and dishing out non-practical instructions about how to stay level-headed when in love.
The plain truth is that you can only try. Even the so-called relationship experts get messed up by love too. The more mature you are the better you get at keeping your emotions in check when in love. Because with love comes a flood of many emotions and jealousy is a major part of them.
So, is jealousy a sign of love?
Yes, actually. When you love someone, you don’t want to lose them. It is that fear of losing your love to someone else that breeds jealousy. How serious your feelings of jealousy are can depend on the level of trust you have for your partner.
And let’s be honest, trust is fleeting in love. Because each person must have gone through one or more heartbreaks in their life, the default setting of your heart when in love again becomes to question everything. The more times you have been betrayed, the more distrustful of love you become. And this can indirectly mean the more jealous.
Can someone love you and never feel jealous?
Never possible. You cannot successfully disassociate love and jealousy. Love inspires a need to protect. Jealousy is the resultant force of that need. The only thing that may be different is the level of jealousy felt and the handling of it. Behavioural differences would mean that some people can handle feelings of jealousy better than others.
Does jealousy stem from insecurity?
I’ve heard and read this countless number of times but I don’t think it is true. No matter how certain you are of your abilities and confidence, love can erode all of that. And because, unlike how naive you were during your first love in your teens, you have now realized that people are not walking angels.
This sad truth appears to taint every love you feel with a bit of doubt. Now, how confident and certain you feel about the other person’s feelings for you largely depends on them.
As whole, thinking humans, we are quite capable of judging and assessing things. Some people function better in this department than others but the truth remains that the level of insecurity you feel in a relationship is influenced by the attitude of your partner.
Some partners make it easy to trust them and others don’t. Then there are a select few malicious others who have perfected the art of deceit. They will make you see what is not there, effectively turning you into a master chaser of shadows.
Is feeling jealous in love healthy or toxic?
Feeling jealous over someone you love is completely normal. In fact, if someone claims they love but you never make them jealous, that’s a bad sign.
That being said, it is not the feeling of jealousy that can be classified as healthy or toxic, it is what you do with this feeling.
For instance, issues of jealousy can easily inspire more communication between couples and a great partner will use the opportunity to assure the person they are dating of how real (or not) whatever they feel is.
On the other hand, some people often let their jealousy take over them and they lash out unnecessarily, often violently, ultimately putting an end to the relationship.
Daniel Nkado is a Nigerian writer and the chief editor of DNB Stories.