Men’s struggle with sexual performance that women will never understand

by Isabela Iva

When it comes to sex, men are universally expected to perform well, if not amazingly.

Women want and expect this from men, and even more than that, men place a huge burden on themselves to do well.

Whether a woman is nervous, overwhelmed, excited, over-thinking, doubting herself, or feeling any other disruptive emotion, this will not necessarily show outwardly on her ability to have sex.

If she so chooses, she does not have to share these feelings with her partner, and can go ahead and have sex, without being put on the spot about any of it.

However, if the same thing happens to a man, and he loses his erection, he is a disappointment. A woman might be understanding and gracious, but many times women express their disappointment, or even ridicule the man because of his perceived failure. He may be called impotent and worse.

Many of us women do not understand that if our sexual performance depended on erection, and our erection depended on our inner life, thoughts and doubts, we would probably have even more trouble than men with ever achieving it.

Achieving Orgasm

As women, we have our collection of problems with achieving orgasm. Some of us over-think, or are overly focused on our own self-doubt, and therefore become blocked on our way to achieving an orgasm with a partner.

Others need some time to make a true connection with their man and feel safe. Some women don’t know their bodies well, because of religiously driven restrictions, or any other reason, and are unable to explain to their partner what they need.

Whatever problem we might have on our way to an orgasmic bliss, it is intimate and can be hidden if we decide to hide it.

Let us not forget that women have the (harmful) option of faking orgasms in order to not have to deal with talking about their trouble achieving them.

But how about men?

If a woman cums fast, she is great, orgasmic, sexy. If a man cums fast he has premature ejaculation problem. He can go to therapy to determine causes for it, and seek different treatments. But basically, he is flawed, unable to satisfy a woman, and not a real man. He is burdened with a lot of shame and guilt.

If a woman has trouble orgasming, she can state reasons that are heard as valid and solvable. Perhaps she needs to feel really intimate and safe with her man first, before she can fully relax and climax.

Maybe it has something to do with a bad experience from her past, or another valid reason. However, if a man has a hard time cumming, he often gets questioned, misunderstood, and accused of not being attracted to his partner (If you were attracted to me, you wouldn’t have a hard time cumming).


Iva Izabela Miholic is a mom, a writer, a dancer, a model, a figure-skater, a fencer, a horse-rider, animal lover, a cook, reader, a traveler and a believer in love, kindness, forgiveness and mercy.

“I believe in people, their spirit and ability to choose good, to change, to grow, to reach their dreams and fulfill their passions.”
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